Stuck In ’80’s Childhood Hell

Written by David SwindlecloseAuthor: DavidSwindle Name: David Swindle
Email: DavidSwindle@gmail.com
Site: http://davidswindle.blogspot.com
About: I'm a free lance writer, film critic, and blogger. I frequently write about politics, ideology, spirituality, books, and TV. I am a graduate of Ball State University with degrees in English (creative writing) and Political Science. I live in Muncie, Indiana with my wife April, our cat Butters, and Siberian Husky puppy Maura. More about me here: http://frontpagemag.com/readArticle.aspx?ARTID=35212See Authors Posts (11) on July 23, 2009

One of the best episodes of the Twilight Zone is when an amoral gangster dies and goes to what he assumes must be heaven. Once there, he can have whatever he wants and do anything. He gets to win at all the casino games. Beautiful women adore him.

At first he’s thrilled by it. Then, as time goes on, he begins to get bored. Having everything he wants doesn’t satisfy him. Being able to change what’s happening just by wishing it means life no longer has the excitement.

His guide, a kindly bearded old man then reveals what’s been obvious to the audience all along: he’s not in heaven, he’s in hell. Damnation doesn’t necessarily have to be some demon skinning you alive for all of existence. Instead couldn’t it be that what used to bring you joy now fills you with nothing but emptiness?

As an adult I can relate to this vision – for the past five years or so I’ve been trapped in ‘80s Kid Hell. I have access to all the treasures of my childhood – more so than I ever had when I was actually there – but few of them yield the same joy.

The icons of childhood for those of us that grew up in the ‘80s and early ‘90s are pretty universal. The list of ‘80s cartoons of Generation Y is long. Some of the classics for ‘80s males include Transformers, He-Man, ThunderCats, SilverHawks, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Video games offer similar iconography. The original Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, and Nintendo 64 all offered similar now-classic characters in Super Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog.

These shows and games that brought us so much joy have returned now that we’ve grown. But for the most part they fail to bring the same level of satisfaction that they once did.

I think I first began to realize this when I got a DVD box set of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. After watching several episodes the painful realization hit: this was really not that great of a show. It was just a toy commercial with lousy plots and barely-sketched characters. It came again when I netflixed “The Super Mario Bros. Super Show” with Captain Lou Albano as the real-life Mario. All but unwatchable.

Now that’s not the case with all ‘80s shows. I have all four volumes of Thundercats – comprising a ridiculous 125 episodes – almost 48 hours’ worth of Lion-O battling Mumm-Ra on Third Earth. I haven’t watched them all yet but they stand up much better than He-Man.

These would have been dreams come true as a child! To have the entire runs of these shows, to be able to watch any episode whenever I wanted? But now most of them I can hardly tolerate.

Hollywood is realizing that ‘80s kids are now adults with money to waste. They’ve made live action adaptations of our shows. Had I been a child I would likely have loved “Wolverine” and “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” As an adult who craves well-developed characters and working plots I was trapped in a very different kind of hell.

Today, we should also be in video game heaven. It’s possible to go online and download every single NES, SNES, and Genesis video game ever made for free. Just go to the right illegal download sites and one can get video game “emulator” programs and “roms” of individual games. It’s not hard to find files that contain collections of thousands of them.

For those with some shred of conscience, used ‘80s games and systems can be bought for a tenth of their original price. The other day my friend and fellow Parcbench contributor Jimmy Miles introduced me to a used movies/CDs/video games shop in town. Games that had once reigned supreme, selling for $50 or $60 each and adorning the covers of magazines now sat unwanted in the dingy shop.

I didn’t buy any. I don’t play old video games on my computer. It’s not because the games aren’t still fun, but rather because I’ve found more satisfying things to do with my time. Every minute wasted amusing myself with Zelda or Contra or Crystalis is a minute that I’m not spending with my wife and our new puppy or working on my career.

The day you realize you’re a grown-up isn’t necessarily the saddest day of your life. Nevertheless, it still causes a moment of reflection and mourning. Life is progressing, The days of Lion-O and Optimus Prime are gone and never coming back.