Celebrity Baby Names – What Are They thinking?!

picture_15I think we all know a lot exists in a name.

Entire fields of linguistic study have been devoted to names. The ancient Hebrews viewed names as possessing meaning that would be relevant for all the child’s days; believed to reveal their character and personality.  The Chinese view their children’s monikers in much the same way.

In Arthurian legend, a defeated duelist would request the victor’s name; to be bested by a knight of greater fame and strength was no dishonor, but a weaker or lesser known man would greatly mortify fighters in this manner. Franklin Graham wrote a book about one Name in particular, in which he astutely observed “I AM” allowed none to invoke His – not even Moses. Such would be to gain power over Him.

Names can potentially open doors for people, but also hurt their chances of landing jobs. And in a social class that treats not only breast enhancements but Botox as status symbols; where attention seeking is the order of the day, babies have gotten the short end of the stick.

Why?

It seems Britannica has once again gone on a late night drinking binge, puking a mixture of Blue Curacao and margarita all over the carpet.

The baby name game, which is the Hollywood version of “keeping up with the Joneses,” has claimed another victim in the form of Sparrow James Midnight Madden, son of “Simple Life” co-star Nicole Richie and Good Charlotte rocker Joel Madden.

Excuse me for asking, but . . . Sparrow?! Not only does it sound pretty girly, but I have to ask, how does it relate to the kid’s character? Does he eat bread and deposit the resulting mess on cars? Will he fly south for the winter? How will dishing out the hurt all over his birth certificate influence his destiny? For the life of me, I don’t get it, and I never will.

Hollywood stars: There’s a huge difference between digging all the way to China – in the name of originality – to adopt a little kid, and ensuring your little bundle of joy will come with a full set of mental complexes. Schoolyard bullying sold separately, of course.

But, in their defense, I’ll admit Sparrow isn’t the worst name celebrity progeny could be saddled with: what about double-J Jackson’s pretentious “Jermajesty,” or the now-six-year old son of “40 Days and 40 Nights” co-star Shannyn Sossamon?

Hey Shannyn!  If you’re reading this: why didn’t you just go for broke and give “Audio Science” your surname too?

Lest playing “Pin the Tail On The Dictionary” be considered the sole domain of the attention-seeking American celebrity, I can name off the top of my head a triad of quirky appellations from Kiwiville. Who can forget last year’s tale of the little girl cursed by her Mom and Dad to be known as “Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii,” taken from her parents by one New Zealand judge Robert Murfitt? Children with the unlikely tags of “Number 16 Bus Shelter” and “Violence” figured prominently into a list – which Murf had the misfortune of reading off to area press – supplied by their national Department of Births, Deaths and Marriages.

Sure, separating her from her parents to resolve the issue was a little much, but we all have to admit he had a point – there’s a line beyond which originality becomes insanity.

That being said, I’m glad my mother had the good sense to only name me after a soap opera.

Ryan Anthony

20-something Tennessee Journalism student and relentless sports fan.

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