Game Sequels that just didn’t need to happen…
Written by Ryan Anthony on October 13, 2009
I have a confession to make.
My name is Ryan, and I am a recovering gamer.
I think anyone who ever took the ancient 8-bit gaming consoles for a spin looks back fondly on the days when they first fired up their Nintendo or Sega, and considers their favorites (unless part of the Final Fantasy series) as destined for the “Games most in need of a sequel” category. Since the movie and game industries are blurring in many respects as of late, I’m here to add my voice to the millions that have already misquoted Clint Eastwood:
We don’t need no stinking sequel.
What if the classics – some doomed to the eternal halls of fail – had been produced today, with all the processing power commanded by cutting-edge systems behind them? Here are just five games that need a GIGANTIC retcon:
Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest (Wii): Not only would the Engrish whenever you pick up an important item – for example, “You now prossess Dracula’s Ring!” – never have been a problem, that thousands digit will finally be put to use: it seems we can have more than 255 hearts. Moreover, normal water doesn’t kill us, and water that looks like a Club Gitmo rewards customer dropped poison in it does!
As for some particularly noteworthy aspects of the game, Belasco Woods looks AMAZING, especially at sunrise. The musical score isn’t all that bad either.
Overall, I wager it would look like Elder Scrolls IV, play like Red Steel and come with its own admonition placed on the Simon-Belmont-as-bishonen package . . .
DANGER: DO NOT FLICK OR SWISH AROUND NUNCHUK AND WIIMOTE. THEY ARE NOT A WHIP.
Score: 6.8/10, would have been two points higher if not for the cheesy screaming issuing from my speakers while exploring a town at night.
Metal Gear (PS3): Imagine a present-day MGS IV:Guns of the Patriots, with a youthful Army Ranger and Operation Iraqi Freedom veteran Snake, set in Pakistan. Strike Michael Biehn off the game cover, throw in better AI (enough to deduce that an upturned cardboard box between two tanks is worthy of suspicion) and let me crawl into the cab of a truck without being reminded that “it have started to move!” Fulfill that wish list by turning Metal Gear into the big bad BattleMech of the Solid series instead of a Deep Blue wanna-be, allowing me to kill Osama binLaden at the end, and we have a good game on our hands. The only detractory point is the game difficulty, as we can die ten times in Normal mode before even getting our hands on a pistol.
Score: 7.1/10
Metroid (Wii): I foresee this second shot at the original being more of an adventure game than its NES counterpart, if not for the sole fact Planet Zebes would be much more expansive than it was — imagine shining a flashlight through alien caves and down mine shafts. Mother Brain, likely taking a form not unlike Portal’s GLaDOS combined with . . . well . . . brains, would be enough to earn this game a “M” rating in and of herself.
Couple that with a version of Samus that doesn’t look like the 8-bit offspring of Janet Napolitano and a Wookiee, and we’re good to go.
And let’s not whine about the pronouns used in the instruction manual, please.
Score: 7.2/10
River City Ransom (Wii): Brass knuckles, baseball bat, trash can, and all sorts of other weapons are perfect for the Wii’s motion sensor technology. Personally, I could deal with the trope of restoring my health and stats at an IHOP if that smug-looking waitress assigned to my table didn’t confuse my throat for a dishwasher and expect me to literally push the whole plate down, shards of broken clay included.
Balance Board-enabled movement around the map is a big plus. Music is repetitive but catchy. Rated T for the occasional busted jaw and bloody nose.
Score: 8/10
And an honorable mention goes to 10-Yard Fight for the PC, in which we finally get to win the Super Bowl. Yay us.
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Tags: Clint Eastwood, gaming, PlayStation, retcon, sequels, video games, Wii, Xbox
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