Ultimate Fighter 10 Episode 5: Rude Awakening

Written by Ryan AnthonycloseAuthor: Ryan Anthony Name: Ryan Anthony
Email: mica1884@gmail.com
Site:
About: 25 year old Tennessee resident and small government conservative. I first discovered my love of writing while working for a high school newspaper; that was eight years ago. Now I'm studying for an Associate's Degree in journalism. My favorite topics to cover for Parcbench include contact sports and television.See Authors Posts (34) on October 16, 2009

For my twentieth Parcbench article I bring you the fifth installment of this TUF season, which lives up to its name — at least with Matt Mitrione, who it seems has been working day and night to outdo the all-time on-screen TUF drama queen Gabe Ruediger! I didn’t think it was possible but here we go! Let’s get ready for some fun . . .

As we drop in on Team Rashad at the start of the hour, Rashad tries to be humble and thank Quinton’s fighters for having a horrible coach. Matt, proving you don’t need a bad coach to just . . . well . . . suck, messes his shoulder up and then whines for a cortisol shot.

It’ll be a long shot . . . and de-nied by Sugar.

Jones wants to fight despite a messed-up knee, we get to hear Quinton bitch about losing and how it affects his sex life. Seriously, I don’t need to know any of that, man! Go back to drilling your team in the “War Walk” or whatever it is.

Post-commercial, the TUF house @ dawn. Fighters complete their daily routines and hope to get started on an early practice. But Wes gets . . . I don’t want to say it . . . oh, what the hell. Spunked. From this point on I could make like Jon Stewart and reference Iraqi reactor sites, or go for a cheesy freestyle rap involving the words “shampoo” and “goo.”

I choose door number 3: Close my eyes and pretend none of this is happening.

Zak, what’s your problem? At least I clean up in the shower when I’m done . . . if that’s how you live with roommates I don’t want to see your house!

Some people think an overabundance of testosterone, coupled with a nerve-deadening boredom observed by contestants such as Travis Lutter, causes all sorts of wacky behavior in the TUF residence. Some don’t, and chalk it up to Dana influencing house behavior for ratings’ sake. Regardless of what its reasons may be, if Jensen can’t roll with it he’s going to be driven crazy.

Training time for Team Rashad. Matt gets to wrap himself up in tape and look like what he’s been playing the part of. Let’s just say, payback’s a bitch. Speaking of payback . . . Zak went into training with the mental baggage of his earlier embarrassment, only for The Project to choke him out.

Can we go for more of the latter with Matt during bear conditioning programs, since he’s obviously failed to demonstrate the difference between “soreness” and “injury?” Can we have some more jokes at Jensen’s expense on the way back from practice?

Fight announced, Jones all too ready to whale on the opposition. Team Evans still retains control, which must brass Quinton off BAD. Justin Wren and Wes Project Sims chosen to fight next, which signifies that they’re mixing things up a little to mitigate Matt’s verbal diarrhea.

Cue “sad trombone” sound – Marcus is living up to his nickname. He’s like a crazy Baby Huey.

Project gets slapped around by Rampage, Justin thinks he’ll be able to beat Wes – somehow I have a bad feeling about that one – and Wes, who would later fancy himself Zak’s drill sergeant, name drops all the world class wrestlers he’s trained with in addition to posing his muscles close up for the camera and letting everyone at home know Kimbo is teaching Zak how to shank someone.

Okay, 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . all together now . . . RAAAAAACIIIIIIIIIISSSTTT!!!!
/sharpton

Official weigh-in. How else can I describe this singular episode’s dual jump on the scale but, the gayest part of the whole episode (and the Ultimate Fighter 10 season) so far. I think Quinton wants to follow me out door number 3 by now. Don’t you? Yeah. That was one contest Wes and Justin didn’t need to get into.

Okay, fight day and time. Round one, between the decided underdog – Fort Worth native Wren – and Ohioan Sims.

Justin takes Sims against the cage by eight seconds in, to which the Project responds by doing his best dance routine. After eleven more, jabs and an off-balance kick from the self-styled UFC bad boy enable Wren to put him back to the cage @ 4:17. From that point it all goes downhill for Wes, whereupon he is mounted and choked to the point of passing out via arm triangle . . . no, wait, is he still kicking or was that just an involuntary spasm?

Never mind. He’s out now. Pass the smelling salts.

And the dark horse wins. Wait, I guess that was racist again.

So far Abe, Shivers, Kimbo, Rogers – and now Sims – have all been eliminated: who is the next on the list? I’ve observed this is not the only season to take the form outlined herein – Team A beats the snot out of Team B until Team B pulls its head out, then vice versa.

Close on Rampage pissing and moaning about his latest loss; arguing with Rashad outside dressing rooms; and Rashad proclaiming his commitment to supporting the fighters of Team Evans.

Now I know I REALLY like Sugar.