Eight Plus The 1ne

Written by Ryan AnthonycloseAuthor: Ryan Anthony Name: Ryan Anthony
Email: mica1884@gmail.com
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About: 25 year old Tennessee resident and small government conservative. I first discovered my love of writing while working for a high school newspaper; that was eight years ago. Now I'm studying for an Associate's Degree in journalism. My favorite topics to cover for Parcbench include contact sports and television.See Authors Posts (34) on October 20, 2009

After the nth spectacle of impressionable young kids serenading The Dictator’s Best Buddy™, and the nth spectacle of impressionable young kids being caught – whether intentionally or no – in the middle of a divorce dispute, I got so sick of it all that I’ve decided to shout to the Internet heavens at the top of my lungs.

Despite their lack of maturity to fully comprehend such issues, It seems like more and more children are becoming forced to deal with matters that some adults don’t have the maturity for either: for example, remember Ashleigh Jones, Florida pre-teen figuratively beaten with the racist brick by her classmates last year for wearing a McCain/Palin T-shirt? Also take the more recent example of Bernice Young Elementary in New Jersey, where schoolchildren sang a widely-criticized paean to The Buddy.

As someone who remembers his time in school; has memories of something much more care-free; survived with his dignity and status as a free-thinking individual intact, I say: This is insane.

To further elaborate, I can strike parallels between the “Kids for Obama” movement and the “Little Octobrists,” but that would be belaboring the obvious. Instead, I’ll try to switch gears; pose an answer to another one of my own questions that’s been bugging me: what happens while Jon and Kate Plus 8 is 86′ed from TLC?

Perhaps the shooting of a made-for-TV special, akin to Direct TV live music extravaganzas or concluded VH1 concert series Live and Loud Fridays, where the sixteen-legged Gosselin combination praises His Very Existence through the power of song — is in order for a temporary financial boost? Wouldn’t every source of incoming moolah be welcome?

(After all, everyone’s doing it.)

With now 9-year-old twins Madelyn and Cara providing backup instrumentals – on violin and piano, respectively – the soprano chorus of tunes like “We Want Two Daddies” should be enough to win over even the most hardened of hearts; if that doesn’t work, there’s always this ungodly pew-warmer:

Yes, Barack loves me,
The press corps tells me so.

Inevitably, any such batch of songs would be met with the usual high-pitched gushing; perhaps even more so given past attempts to market the eight’s cuteness. And if we don’t like it, well, I guess we’ll be met with the cry that we’re racist against those who are one-quarter Korean.

But seriously now, I’d think Jon and Barack have more in common. Obama thinks Fox hates him, and Jon has been caught stating in no uncertain terms his belief that TLC hates him. So, I’d think they could just switch and each vie for time on the other network – some news coverage will spruce up Jon’s resume, and he desperately needs it. Obama, on the other hand, can become part of TLC’s daily programming for pre-schoolers – his administration knows how to really “get ‘em while they’re young.”

And what of this whole “two daddies” thing, you might ask? Well . . . After the self centered Mr. G alienates the rest of his children, all the little tykes can run straight into the loving arms of the Senator-turned-Olympian to seal the deal and make that above expression literal.

Though I’m sure Michelle would have something to say about it.

What with having a couple of kids already, and all.