Real Slime: An Open Letter To Bill Maher

Dear Bill,

I’ll never forget the moment that I became a fan. It was during the height of the Cold War in 1982 when you told one of the funniest jokes I’d ever heard:

“This is serious folks……India has the Bomb! Pakistan has the Bomb! I’m all for cultural development, but these are countries that just got the plans for the phillips screwdriver last week!”

As prophetically unsettling as this joke has turned out to be, it still brings a smile across my face as I  write it down 27 years later. Over the decades, your cynical indictment of just about every trope of modern life offered a cleft of intelligent humor during an era in which most people nervously giggled through Seinfeld, Rosanne and the NOT-funny films of Steve Martin and Jim Carrey. It was classic comedic genius—pushing the envelope by questioning cultural bromides that were/are otherwise regarded as social norms. The best thing about what you did was that it was open season on anyone and anything across the entire sociopolitical spectrum. There were always plenty of comics ready to trash religion or the wealthy or white people, but no one in Hollywood had the balls to mock the gay community or feminism or Hip Hop culture for their absurdities the way you did. You always tried to be intellectually honest and called BS on any subject without bias.

This broad-minded objectivity is what built your following and ultimately landed you your breakout series “Politically Incorrect” in 1993. It was also about this time in my life that I experienced a political conversion from a far-left radical to a libertarian. So when you too came out as a libertarian I was all the more emboldened that “we” finally had a powerful voice in popular culture.

Sadly, somewhere along the way the James Dean contrarian and provocateur turned into his own worst nightmare–––a predictable, mealy-mouthed, bitchy little diva, who toes the Hollywood leftist line on every issue as if some communistas are waiting back stage to stomp his guts out if he doesn’t. This trend toward subversion began with your now infamous 911 comments, when you called our military “cowards” compared to the terrorists that attacked us. Although the comment was obviously a gaffe and most people (including many conservatives) forgave you for it, your show was cancelled and from that day forward you would harbor a grudge against authority of any kind–––which manifested itself in an irrational hatred for conservatives and traditional values.

A leftward slant was one thing, and that was your prerogative in a free society. But when you began making sarcastic and disparaging remarks about children, arguing that animals are better than humans, and even going so far as to compare the First Lady to Hitler’s dog, you crossed a line for many of us. Admittedly there were plenty of things to criticize about the Bush administration, but do you even realize how ridiculous you look when you claim to be a libertarian and then carry the water for the most collectivist president (Obama) in this country’s history? Championing socialized medicine? Abolishing the second amendment? A libertarian collectivist? That’s about as philosophically duplicitous as it gets.

But the most pathetic thing is when you expose your lack of education (both formal and informal) with your crackpot “theories.” This was no more evident than in the season finale of Real Time this past friday, where you asserted that it was doctors and patients “colluding together” to “corrupt” the healthcare system. This statement was so absurd and bizarre that your entire guest panel (all liberals) and even your reliably sycophantic studio audience just stared at you in disbelief.  After three seconds of uncomfortable silence both the audience and panel (that included Chris Matthews and Alec Baldwin) erupted in laughter—not with you, but AT you.

Things unraveled further when you launched into a diatribe defending more stupid comments you’d made the previous week about vaccines being “dangerous medical procedures.”  Both Matthews and Baldwin were visibly disgusted by this, which resulted in Matthews aggressively confronting you and making you look like an idiot—again. Finally, Baldwin tried to stop the bleeding by suggesting that discussing last weeks topic was “like going on a date and talking about your ex wife…..let’s move on!” This got a roar from the crowd, but instead of rolling with the segue you petulantly attacked Baldwin with “Maybe we should talk about some of your past problems?” I’m no Baldwin sympathizer, but throwing a spotlight on his domestic transgressions was a low blow delivered to a guest who was only trying to keep you from melting down on your own show. Your fans saw this for the cheap shot that it was and the joke stiffed.

Face it Bill, you’re a shell of your former self. Where once there was introspect there is now ignorance. Where once there was swagger there is now spitefulness. And where once there was charisma there remains only a juvenile cockiness devoid of any genuine confidence to back it up. Conservative intellectuals consider you an idiot. Liberal intellectuals consider you a useful idiot. And libertarian intellectuals consider you an embarrassment to our cause. So here’s some advice to prevent bringing further embarrassment upon us and yourself. FYI “libertine” and “libertarian” are two entirely different words with entirely different meanings. I realize that they probably didn’t teach this in high school or at the mall, but you are the former–––not the latter. Please look this up in the dictionary to confirm. I would also recommend boning up on Alinsky and Chomsky before next season so you can at least deliver a coherent left-wing message (if such a thing is possible). Otherwise  those uncomfortable silences and roaring laughs at your expense will continue while you slowly fade from cultural and sociopolitical relevance.

Sincerely,

Roger Sause

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Roger Sause is a musical producer and author in Los Angeles.

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