Ted Turner’s Fine Dining Establishment

Written by Arthur LovelesscloseAuthor: loveless Name: Arthur Loveless
Email: jnjn1028@gmail.com
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About: See Authors Posts (2) on October 27, 2009

It’s very rare that I write a review with the enthusiasm I had when I sat down to write this one. After dining at some of the finest establishments in the world, one could grow jaded with the cuisine culture if his passion isn’t renewed from time to time by a truly exciting experience. Luckily, that experience came in the form of Ted’s Montana Grill; the crown jewel of Ted Turner’s corporate empire.

Turner has succeeded in bringing a little piece of Montana to New York by sparing no expense and missing no detail.  From its rude Mexican staff to its empty tables that went as far as the eye could see, you truly feel like you are stepping into big sky country when you walk through the door.

Ted’s specializes in deliciously over-priced burgers.  And while his commitment to the environment compels him to serve nothing but free range buffalo, his commitment to preserving America’s history compels him to demand that the buffalo be killed by men firing rifles off the back of 19th century passenger train.

For years, Ted has managed to keep his secret spices close to his vest, but thanks to my refined palate I’m able to reveal to you for the first time what those spices are; SALT, TONS AND TONS OF SALT!  I’m certain Ted made sure his salt was mined in only the most environmentally friendly of third world strip mines, bypassing faceless corporations like Morton so as to not line the overflowing pockets of big salt.

For a Ted Turner joint though, there’s something oddly capitalistic about the place.   Don’t expect a hand-me-down despite the tough times.   You pay a premium for that salt burger.  It’s worth it though, as you’ll have a chance to stare at and chat with Ted’s resident bartender Rachel.  Rachel is in theatre, as Ted only hires the freest of spirits.  Incidentally, it’s the only thing that’s free in this bar though.

And don’t let Rachel’s devil may care attitude fool you, she is the picture of class and culture. As a matter of fact, one of her many visible tattoos is written in French. My French is a bit rusty, but I believe the tattoo roughly translated to “entrance in the rear”, although she insisted it was the motto on her family’s crest.

Turner’s genius is stamped all over Ted’s, including, of all places, in the cash register. I was delightfully surprised when Rachel handed me my change for the glass of vintage Cabernet Sauvignon I purchased at the bar. Wealthy geniuses often embark on eccentric personal crusades; Howard Hughes had his all consuming obsession with aviation and the Spruce Goose; Richard Branson has the quest to push the limits of human endurance; apparently Ted Turner has the recirculation of the two dollar bill. I was handed a stack of Jeffersons that was so thick that I immediately looked forward to the looks of annoyance I would inevitably receive while paying for items in 2 dollar bills for the next month.

In addition to Rachel, one of the restaurant’s nicer touches is the thoughtful placement of a small American flag in each freshly cooked bison burger. Considering Turner’s politics, I believe that the placement of the flag was meant to be somewhat ironic. Perhaps Ted places the American flag in the burger because he knows that customers will need to remove it, and he derives satisfaction knowing that everyday customers are desecrating Old Glory in his restaurant by uprooting it from its beefy soil and discarding it on their plates next to the leftover pickles.

By the end of the night, Ted’s is a graveyard of a little American flags, symbolizing America’s miniature stature and its fallen prowess in Ted’s eyes

What really makes Ted’s a memorable experience though is the bathroom.  It’s an old school well-lit saloon kind of lavatory, with lighting so bright you might feel like you’re about to have your teeth drilled by your dentist.  The paper towel dispenser isn’t one of those fancy automated dispensers but one with turn handle, no doubt Turner’s tribute to the good old throwback days when the paper towel dispensers union was not victimized by corporate America.  And then there is Ted’s hallmark “real soap.”  It too is organic, and it comes out in little particles.  It’s sort of like washing your hands with a combination of Ajax and dirt.  It doesn’t lather, but if you pile a mountain of it high enough in your hands, you’ll feel clean as a New York City falafel cart.

As I exited Teds with a smile of satisfaction and slight tremors caused by the rapid rise in sodium level in my blood, my verdict was perfectly clear; that Ted’s is the finest Montana-themed chain restaurant in midtown Manhattan.

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Arthur Loveless is a world renowned restaurant critic. His next book, entitled What Breed Is This? My culinary adventures in North Korea, is due out in time for the holidays.