Ultimate Fighter 10 Episode 9: Rattled

Written by Ryan AnthonycloseAuthor: Ryan Anthony Name: Ryan Anthony
Email: mica1884@gmail.com
Site:
About: 25 year old Tennessee resident and small government conservative. I first discovered my love of writing while working for a high school newspaper; that was eight years ago. Now I'm studying for an Associate's Degree in journalism. My favorite topics to cover for Parcbench include contact sports and television.See Authors Posts (34) on November 13, 2009

For those of you who didn’t catch it Wednesday, and since I’ve been combating a major onrush of brain freeze with coffee and sausage biscuits this morning, let me finally get around to re-capping our first quarter-final episode of Ultimate Fighter: Heavyweights.

The Statue of Liberty replica of “New York, New York” is among the landmarks greeting us in the opening – a fitting televised intro for a day on which we remember the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines who sweat blood for the ideals represented by its big sister.

Before our first ten minutes are up, Rashad comes to grips with his new role coaching seven fighters to beat the snot out of each other; then, he tries to tread the razor-thin line between that and favoritism. It’s a wonder he’s still managing to keep his wits about him after nine episodes of this stuff.

In addition to the Rat’s having fulfilled his drama queen quota for the month on the drive back to the house, other symptoms such as dry heaving, headache and dizziness lead Brendan to speculate on the possibility of Matt’s having a concussion. It was to that end Matt ripped forth the understatement of the century, that his concussion made him “stupid for a little while.”

Only a little?

Come on, if brain health were the sole causal factor for stupidity, I wager he’s incurred more cranial cracking in the past than Commie destroyer and one-man missile shield Rocky Balboa.

Team Rashad enters the gym minus the inpatient Matt. To that end, the coaches schedule Kimbo’s return amid the invasion of Sugar’s car by Team Rampage’s . . . well . . . cocks. Five smelly, nasty #2 machines that are – in short order – chased around the Ultimate Fighter parking lot for their beaks, which are a delicacy on whatever alien planet Roy comes from.

They were going to give them to Animal Control, but upon suggestion, said walking BBQ will now be sent to an unnamed slaughterhouse somewhere in the Arizona desert — where shady fast food companies will chop their heads and feet off, pump a bunch of drugs down their throats and give them gamma-ray treatments so they can grow bigger than a Popeye’s spicy chicken meal.

Stuff that up your exhaust pipe, PETA.

Back to the house again. Matt comes back, the Project plays the old 20 Questions game upon his re-entry, and before long Dana springs in on the fighters to outline Matt’s fate – he will fight if given approval from the guys in white lab coats.

Scott volunteers to fight in lieu of Matt, even while sporting a huge injury to his eye area. Now that’s perseverance!

The day’s two fighters – life long friends Justin Wren and Roy Nelson – train again, weigh in soon follows. Dana confirms what we’ve known all along: that in spite of the above relationship, no one loves Roy Nelson more than Roy does.

Shortly after Big Country kills the scale, the time for our scrapfest to commence rolls around:

Nelson swings his big gut around for a while, holds his mouth open like a retard, then gets forced back against the side by a flurry of punches @ 4:12. The ring lacks any sort of action from that point until the three minute mark, on which we get to view more of the Mississippian’s fast moving arms. It seems like he’s mostly been controlling the Octagon this round, but remember: Roy is the unabashed master of all that lives. If he wanted, he could simply stretch out his arm, do that thing Darth Vader did in the Star Wars movies and choke Justin’s life out of him. Okay, snark off. Back to the fight.

Is it just me, or do I hear Justin hyperventilating?

First round in the can, second coming up. Or is this part two of Round One? Nothing’s really changed. Roy seems to like those leg kicks but that’s about it.

Fight over, and Justin’s corner seems to be pretty confident that he won.

20-18, 19-19 and 20-18 for . . . Roy and his Texas-size ego? Give me a break!

Well, it could be worse. I’m glad we at least didn’t see Big Country massage his gut and flash a broken Buckwheat smile like he did after his IFL victory over Brad Imes. That would have been enough to make me reach for the brown bag Wren may as well have been puffing into.