BOB DYLAN – “Christmas In The Heart” (CD Review)

Written by Greg VictorcloseAuthor: Greg Victor Name: Greg Victor
Email: Greg@parcbench.com
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About: Greg Victor (Parcbench Culture Editor) is a historian, pop culture critic, and theatrical dramaturg and has stage managed theatrical productions on Broadway and on tour, including Billy Joel's "Movin' Out", Monty Python's "Spamalot" and more.See Authors Posts (98) on November 20, 2009

No Stars (out of 4 stars)
Label: Sony Music

While sampling through this album, a friend nearby complained “I have a sore throat just listening.” I knew then that I had come across the ultimate “White Elephant” or “Pirate” gift for Christmas 2009: Bob Dylan’s “Christmas in the Heart.” Or as I like to think of it “Put The Kids Safely To Bed ‘Cause Grandpa’s Hittin’ The Egg-Nog!”

I’ve heard of stores starting to put Christmas items on the shelves when it’s still only Halloween… but what’s with this putting out a Halloween CD during the Christmas season? Has there ever been any genre of music that Bob Dylan doesn’t hack up and spit out at some point? When you’ve been sucking on nicotine for as many years as Dylan apparently has, eventually you run of material I guess.

With “Christmas In The Heart,” Bob Dylan transforms himself back into Robert Zimmerman from Minnesota and scratches out some old holiday tunes. He is obviously interested in capturing the classic American experience on disc, and happy to remind us that these songs are part of the American musical heritage.

His goal is admirable, but his product is not. He is “Christmas Past” stuck in the present, and yes, Virginia, it’s pretty scary. He sounds like that irredeemable relative who stumbles violently in at 2am on Christmas morning, but wasn’t at Christmas Mass, if you know what I mean. There’s a forced cheeriness that is downright frightening.

If Bob Dylan is your thing, then you’re going to like it no matter how dreadful it is, and you might actually find enjoyment in a song or two. So Merry Christmas! No one can really ruin a song as simple as “Here Comes Santa Claus,” unless the higher notes are important to you. Dylan was smart enough to fill the album with massive background singing and instrumentation to conceal how raspy his vocals are. I can’t say anything about his tone or pitch, since he doesn’t really sing notes. He coughs out sandpaper sounds instead, so much so that this album might cut into the sales of that barking dogs Christmas album.

It‘s not clear whether Dylan means this all as some sort of a joke, or if he seriously wanted to put out a classic Christmas album. There is an entire generation of fanatics that worried about Dylan’s intentions. They played identity politics with record albums and cared far too much about what the singer did, and felt betrayed many times by his head-scratching choices.

But in this case, who cares? Bad music is just bad music. Let’s put it this way – after reviewing these songs, in order to stop the pain, I rushed to YouTube to listen to a Tom Waits performance. Ah, sweet relief!

Maybe this is an album you can put on at the office party if you want to guarantee that everyone will go home as early as possible. Bob Dylan? Christmas? Has there ever been anything as wrong? Which reminds me…

The Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever Recorded:

10 – “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney
9 – “Santa Baby” by Madonna
8 – “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)” by John Denver
7 – “Jingle Bells” by Barbra Streisand
6 – “The Little Drummer Boy” by Jessica and Ashlee Simpson
5 – “The Christmas Shoes” by NewSong
4 – “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” by Elmo and Patsy
3 – “Feliz Navidad” by anyone
2 – “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” by John Lennon
1 – “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” by Band Aid