Johnny Depp? What have we done?!

Written by Elizabeth CochrancloseAuthor: elizabethcochran Name: Elizabeth Cochran
Email: egcochran@gmail.com
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About: Elizabeth works in fashion in New York City, for a rock star.See Authors Posts (12) on November 25, 2009

For the second time in six years, Johnny Depp has been named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” replacing Hugh Jackman as our collective fantasy man. How on Earth does an alleged anti-American, not-so-tall, not-so-buff artsy fartsy guy with a proclivity for stringy facial hair beat Wolverine?

It took a fox. FOX t.v., that is. Before the word FOX became an insult in our country, we all loved it. Everyone in this currently hopeful young-adult to middle aged demographic (that is so much smarter than the rest of us) used to be a huge fan of FOX and it’s trashy, sexy, never-before-seen programming in the late ‘80s. The Tracey Ullman Show (and thus The Simpsons), Married With Children, In Living Color (one of the first mainstream shows that celebrated black culture and point of view) and, of course, 21 Jump Street.

Although he had already appeared as a nubile young victim in A Nightmare on Elm Street, he was second fiddle to Freddy Krueger (where his resentment of finger knives was born). It wasn’t until 1987, and the launch of 21 Jump Street that he became well known. And he was hot. Smoking hot. Playing a man with a gun who went to high school – what teenage girl doesn’t dream of that? We watched him get hotter and sexier over the next four years.

He was so smokin’, with his Betty Sue mom-tattoo, dirty hair and his chiseled cheekbones, he managed to retain it through a wide array of odd roles and indie films. He was this quirky man, handsome and virile, but with the gentle soul of an artist – heady stuff for women everywhere.

Our love of him was poised to grow and grow, but then he had to go and say something along the lines of, “”America is dumb, is something like a dumb puppy that has big teeth — that can bite and hurt you, aggressive.” This was said to a German magazine in 2003. He backpedaled quickly, asserting the magazine misquoted, but both the magazine and CNN stood by the quote and publicized it. CNN also added that Depp would like his children “to see America as a toy, a broken toy. Investigate it a little, check it out, get this feeling and then get out.”

All of sudden, he could no longer be forgiven for his stringy goatees, weirdly tinted glasses and weasel-like features. Because of that sentiment, I judged him much more harshly than I would have for Sweeney Todd.

In this year of overall absurdity in the world, it is no surprise that a wimpy Francophile rat face has won People magazine’s highest honor. And although a little John Dillenger never hurt one’s sex appeal, I still can’t believe a dumb puppy dethroned a wolverine.

A fitting metaphor for the current US self-inflicted role in the world. Johnny must have some big teeth behind that droopy mustache. Hopefully we do, too.

Where is Freddy Krueger and his pre-wolverine knives when you need him? Heck, I’d even take Edward Scissorhands right now.