Distraught Johnny Depp Dismantles Chelsea Clinton Shrine

Written by Sid BridgecloseAuthor: Sid Bridge Name: Sid Bridge
Email: sid@thesidagency.com
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About: Sid Bridge, APR is Senior Editor for Parcbench. He is also Editor-in-Chief of The Endive, an online humor magazine for conservatives. As Parcbench's Senior Editor, Sid enjoys working with a diverse team of writers, each with his or her own unique personality. Sid is a happily married father of four, and a rare breed - an orthodox Jew who likes muscle cars and wears cowboy boots.See Authors Posts (72) on December 7, 2009

last week upon hearing the news of Chelsea Clinton’s engagement. Johnny Depp retired to his home in Paris, France, and fought tears as he dismantled the news clippings, photographs, scented candles, and action figures that comprised his Chelsea Clinton Shrine.

“I know it’s crazy,” said Depp to reporters gathered outside his home, “But up until last week, I thought that just maybe I had a shot with her. I just wanted her to notice me. I really thought that she’d come around as soon as she saw how cool I was.”

Depp added that he often would drive by Clinton’s apartment, hoping to get a glimpse of her while she retrieved her mail, sometimes even putting more mail in her mail box in order to lure her out. He would then park near the mail boxes and lean up against his car, “looking aloof and pretending not to notice her.”

Depp was also known to call Clinton frequently on her cell phone, wait until she said “Hello,” then hang up.

Depp’s wife, Vanessa Paradis tolerated his obsession, but expressed hope that it would finally end now that Chelsea was to be married.

“I guess I put up with it because I knew Johnny never really had a shot at her,” said Paradis, “Now I hope he can finally move on. I’m no Chelsea Clinton, but hopefully I can fill the void left in his life knowing that his window of opportunity has closed. The ship has sailed and Johnny Depp is no Marc Mezvinksy.”

Clinton’s parents expressed hope that Depp would finally go away.

“He was just too desperate,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, “I mean, Chelsea never actually noticed him, but I did – especially that time she coughed while chewing gum and accidentally spit the gum out of her mouth. Johnny just happened to be there in time to peel it off of the side walk. He tried to walk away like no one had noticed, but I saw him. I saw him lick it.”

After a brief discussion with reporters outside his home, Depp finally broke down.

“Why, Chelsea, why?!” screamed a distraught Depp, “Didn’t you get the chocolates I left by your front door on Valentines Day?! Do you know what I went through to get those! I bought them from the Walgreens instead of Pokemon cards, because I LOVED YOU! I hope you and Marc Mezvinsky are happy together! At least I have the hair I got out of the vacuum cleaner bag I found in your trash. I will treasure it always.”

Depp reportedly spent the rest of his night crying in bed, listening to “Tempted by the Fruit of Another” by the band “The Squeeze.”

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