Worst Movies of 2009

  

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Written by Michael LongcloseAuthor: michaellong Name: Michael Long
Email: Mike@MikeLongOnline.com
Site: http://www.MikeLongOnline.com
About: See Authors Posts (1) on December 28, 2009

So it occurs to me this morning (I’m in the shower when this happens) that there’s no reason owls should be considered the smartest bird. Does anybody think about this anymore? When’s the last time you saw an owl? Not just in person, even a drawing? You haven’t seen an owl, not lately, no sir. Owls are like the tinsel of the forest:  you know they’re there, but you don’t stop and take a close look at them. Owls are for atmosphere. I guess at one time owls were the center of somebody’s attention, but that was before cable (also DVDs). Who thinks about owls, let alone ascribes to them human characteristics? It just seems curious, and a waste of time.

So I’m looking over my list of movies I saw in 2009 (I went to the movies 109 times this year, down from last year’s 150+, probably due to a probation violation mid-summer) and I’m checking out the bottom of the list, the hooey, the junk, the skanks-a-lot stuff–the owls. This is fun, because the worst movies I see are usually so bad that they’re fun to rip on. I never think of going to the movies as a waste of time, even when the movie isn’t good. I just like being there. But this year, the baddest (and not in a Samuel L. Jackson way) movies were especially wise-owly, and by that I mean they truly were a waste of time.

(Note:  I had a quote all ready to go here from Shakespeare to make me look like a smart guy:  “Who steals my purse steals trash… but he who steals my time” plus something that boils down to “has really stolen something valuable.” Then I looked it up. Turns out he was talking about his “good name” and not time. Oh, well.)

The five worst movies of 2009 wasted my time, and that’s saying something, considering how free and easy I am with my time anyway.

5. Land of the Lost

Where are the jokes, man? It was all FX. Bring on the jokes. Comedies are mostly about the volume of material. This was several set pieces about people we didn’t care for in situations that took way too much ’splainin’. Yuk.

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4. Alien Trespass

You didn’t see this. Lucky you. It was a complete re-creation of a 1950s monster movie, complete with 1950s production values, on purpose. I thought it was gonna be a parody. I was wrong. Imagine if you carved a beet out of a potato just to prove you could. That’s what this is.

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3. Pandorum

PRODUCER:  Let’s make a space alien movie.

DIRECTOR:  Okay. I’ll shoot it entirely in the dark.

PRODUCER. Great. Here’s a check.

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2. The Road

I heard you can play “Dark Side of the Moon” to “The Wizard of Oz” and it fits perfectly. You can use Steve Martin’s monologue from “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” as a review for “The Road” and it fits as close as paint to a wall:  “You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You’re a miracle! Your stories have NONE of that. They’re not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY! … And by the way, you know, when you’re telling these little stories? Here’s a good idea – have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!”

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1. The Echelon Conspiracy

PRODUCER:  You know where the money is? Message movies! Got any ideas?

WRITER:  Hitler as a mohel.

PRODUCER:  Warm…

WRITER:  Osama bin Laden as insightful critic of American society.

PRODUCER:  I can get that on MSNBC, but warmer…

WRITER:  Soviet Secret Police as noble guardian of America’s safety.

PRODUCER: Bingo! Here’s a check.

WRITER:  Wanna hear my pitch for a space alien movie? The kicker: we shoot in the dark.

PRODUCER:  Call my people.

Other junk deserves calling out in order to call out lame-o critics. “Gomorrah” transformed a real-life tragedy into an impenetrable, pretentious mess (critics praised it but nine months later have forgotten it, both of which tell you just how bad the picture was). “The Men Who Stare at Goats” was an utter waste of a clever premise, but since it made fun of the military it got critical dispensation. “The Informant!” was a random walk unencumbered by consistency in any way–in Critic World, this is interpreted as It Has Deep Meaning. Special Award:  “Adventureland” was the beneficiary of some of the most brazen false advertising in movie history. This self-serious coming-of-age story was pitched as another helping of “Super Bad.” It couldn’t have been any further from that unless it was a space-alien picture shot in the dark with the Soviet Secret Police as heroes.

One more thing:  I now have a lot more sympathy for movie makers than I used to, since I produced a short film this year. (”Produced” means “wrote a check to pay to make,” fyi.) Movies that are actually watchable–never mind good–are really, really difficult to make. You think they’re not? Grab yourself a video camera and see if you can make something that’s as coherent as a clips from America’s Funniest Home Videos. Still, if you have anything north of a half-million dollars and a guy who knows how to light a shot and place a camera, you ought to be able to do it. Step 1:  Trouble yourself to come up with a story that makes sense. That doesn’t take any money. That doesn’t even take creativity. It just takes patience. I hear owls are pretty clever.

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Michael Long is a writer and speechwriter in Washington, DC who teaches in the graduate school at Georgetown University.

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