Dodd Retires to Focus on Being an Asshole to his Family

Written by Sid Bridge on January 8, 2010

Senator Chris Dodd, D-CN, announced today that he will not seek re-election, citing a desire to spend more time being an asshole to his family and less time being an asshole to the entire United States of America.

“It’s very taxing, being an asshole,” said Dodd, not even noticing the unintended pun, “Therefore I think it’s time I focused my asshole talents on those who I have been neglecting so much – my dear family. That’s why I won’t be seeking re-election.”

Dodd indicated he had accomplished all he wanted to accomplish as a public asshole in America, citing his efforts on health care reform, his approval and subsequent flogging of gigantic bonuses to AIG executives, and his penchant for pork spending.

“I want to focus on my wife and kids,” said Dodd, “Somebody’s got to tell the bitch to do the dishes. Somebody’s got to limit cable television access in the house. Somebody’s got to let the rest of the family know that this casserole tastes like a steaming lump of s**t. I’m looking forward to bonding with my ingrate, unwashed family.”

The President expressed regret that Dodd wouldn’t be running for re-election.

“I can’t help but express… regret,” said President Obama, “Because I won’t have Chris around anymore to carry the bulk of the asshole work. Chris truly earned his nickname – ‘The Liberal Asshole of the Senate.’ Whether he was chiding people on ethics while partnering up with criminals to buy a cottage in Ireland, or snagging campaign funds from a dying Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, Chris did it with a certain assholiness that no one else has ever equaled.”

Not everybody agrees that Dodd was the greatest asshole in the Senate.

“I was more of an asshole than Chris when it came to legalizing marijuana,” said Senate Majority leader Harry Reid, “I mean, what kind of an asshole would be for legalizing something that mellows people out? I also enjoy slapping bitches much harder than Chris does. He may disagree, but he’s wrong. I know he’s wrong because I’m an asshole.”

Dodd’s Republican colleagues declined to dispute his well-earned distinction.

“President Obama is right,” said Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell, “Chris Dodd is a major asshole. He’s a bigger asshole than Sean Penn. He could store furniture in there, his asshole is so big.”