MIcrosoft DIsables Lowercase “I”

Written by Sid BridgecloseAuthor: Sid Bridge Name: Sid Bridge
Email: sid@thesidagency.com
Site: http://www.theendive.com
About: Sid Bridge, APR is Senior Editor for Parcbench. He is also Editor-in-Chief of The Endive, an online humor magazine for conservatives. As Parcbench's Senior Editor, Sid enjoys working with a diverse team of writers, each with his or her own unique personality. Sid is a happily married father of four, and a rare breed - an orthodox Jew who likes muscle cars and wears cowboy boots.See Authors Posts (74) on January 28, 2010

SatIre from The EndIve…

MIcrosoft responded to the launch of the IPad today by dIsableIng the lowercase letter “I” on all WIndows-compatIble keyboards.

“We’ll see If anyone manages to order that pIece of crap from one of our computers,” saId MIcrosoft CEO Steve Ballmer, “We’re the Industry standard, dammIt. If someone wants a tablet that bad, they can buy our soon-to-be released WIndows product, the WInblet.”

The WInblet Ballmer refers to was hastIly rushed Into productIon shortly after word leaked out that Apple was workIng on a new touch-screen tablet.

“We know the WInblet Is a lIttle behInd as far as features and functIonalIty go,” saId Ballmer, “but that’s only because we don’t have any programmers who use drugs. SerIously. The IPad has to have been produced by someone who was extremely hIgh, possIbly trIppIng nuts on some bad acId.”

Added Ballmer, “FreakIng hIppIes.”

MIcrosoft’s announcement delt a sIgnIfIcant blow to Apple’s projected IPad sales and sent the company’s stock Into a nose-dIve. Steve Jobs ImmedIately when Into one of hIs sIgnature temper tantrums upon hearIng the news, even though he was In the mIddle of a press conference at the tIme.

“As you can see, the IPad has an app to sImulate a real sneeze on the page of your book,” saId Jobs shortly before receIvIng the news, “And now, what? WHAT? Are you s*IttIng me?! Mother f**ker! Mother f**kIng f**ker!”

Added Jobs, “F**k!”

Jobs went on to explaIn (through an expletIve-laced tIrade that we are unable to prInt clearly wIth all the four-letter words censored) that every Apple product started wIth a “f**kIng lowercase I” and that he would personally “bItch slap Ballmer Into next week.”

MIcrosoft’s announcement dId lIttle to stop the buzz over the new IPad, whIch dazzled audIences Wednesday at Its unveIlIng.

“I can’t waIt to get one,” saId Apple devotee Feather HendrIcks, “It Is so worth the prIce to have the abIlIty to buy all those new apps and put them all on somethIng small enough to fIt in my glove box when tIlted dIagonally.”

“Dude, I am so hIgh,” saId Apple fan Leonard ‘Shorty’ BaInes, “I’m gettIng an IPad as soon as I can fInd my keys.”

MIcrosoft kept most of the detaIls of the planned WInblet secret, but chose to reveal a few as WIndows users wanted to know what they would be lookIng forward to after theIr abIlIty to buy an IPad was dIsabled.

“I can’t tell you much about the new WInblet,” saId Ballmer, “But I’ll tell you thIs. Forget these frustratIng, unrelIable touch pads. Our WInblet has a real keyboard wIth real keys. And what about that InconvenIent, always-exposed flat screen? The WInblet has a nIce, bIg screen that you flIp open. Of course, It comes wIth WIndows. EverythIng comes wIth wIndows.”

Added Ballmer, “Nyeh.”

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