The Attack in Austin

  

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Written by Ryan AnthonycloseAuthor: Ryan Anthony Name: Ryan Anthony
Email: mica1884@gmail.com
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About: 20-something Tennessee Journalism student and relentless sports fan.See Authors Posts (150) on February 22, 2010

I have a confession to make.

When the combination of television and a certain well-known talk radio personality who describes himself as a “harmless little fuzz ball” were letting me know a plane had smacked into the Austin IRS complex at 825 East Rundberg Lane last week, casting a sheen of fiberglass and concrete into the sky like so much air freshener, I didn’t think much of it. I thought someone had fallen asleep at the wheel or skipped out on the test for his sport pilot’s certificate.

Seeing as this is the Information Age, you can cruise the dark bowels of the Internet and find unintelligent, badly worded accusations of “tea party terrorism” (I’m not talking about the Daily Kos or the Democrat Underground but I might as well be) fueled by neckbeards locked in their homes.

I found plenty of online blogs and news services with things to say on Northwest Austin, some with statements that just plain rubbed me the wrong way. For this, dear readers, we at Parc will invoke one of my writing staples and ask – what would a triangle MMA match between three people for the title of “Worst Statements of the Night” look like?

Let’s see: Pre-fight sizing of Rachel Maddow, Keith Olbermann and Jonathan Capehart showed us two seasoned veterans to the cable news circuit and one relative newcomer. Johnny was at a decisive reach disadvantage, folks, so he had to make up for it with some well-placed blows.

Kayo was our first combatant to hit the canvas. Putting the truth to the pest-inspired adage “sting like a bee,” he floated like a butterfly with his continuances of the crude and ridiculous antics of Jackass for the small screen. Between words to the “unbearable whiteness of the tea parties” (which was funny for his being employed by the one cable news station with a roster of unbearable whiteness) and juvenile T.P. jokes, the German Bomber took a few minutes to throw weak jabs and portray the attack as being solely motivated by anti-government terrorism.

His assessment of Stack cherry picked many of the details, and he didn’t go overboard like he did when Scotty B was elected, but there was no mistaking his intent. Olby is the crowd favorite in this fight, here at Parcbench, but our judges have to do their job fairly.

Washington Post correspondent Capehart knocks K out, tries to perform a flying knee on his next target, and misses the mark entirely – struck by an off-base assessment of “alienation similar to” that felt by tea partiers. This has opened Capehart up for a very strong and fast retaliation, seeing as the tea parties are (by their very virtue of being anti-government spending) pro-private sector spending. Pro-free market solution to America’s problems. How can our “PostPartisan” fighter from New jersey really claim that a movement encouraging capitalism – the very free enterprise system upon which America flourished – squares away with the words “from each according to their gullibility, to each according to their greed?” Is it possible for him to get away with painting us as the ideological brothers of a man that believes unthinkable atrocities have been committed by General Motors and rips off John Edwards’ “Two Americas” campaign theme?

He can’t, unless failing to include Stack’s improv of the Communist Manifesto in his “excerpts.” That’ll count as a point deduction with our judges.

“Mad” Rachel Maddow, having survived tooth-and-nail throughout our mayhem, has made all the right moves so far, even avoiding the mistake made by Capehart. While pointing out his devotion to Marx (and the Facebook group that supported him) she turned our East Coast nine P.M. hour into Fight Club, making a stab at blocking the inevitable blows to Stack’s liberal leanings:

“People were looking for some sort of clear political signal here. You can’t find . . . in the Unabomber manifesto, I don’t believe you can find that here.”

And she just followed that last block with a series of punches that are destroying our male fighters! I can’t believe this! Let’s put this on instant replay for our fans at home –

She didn’t refrain from finding “clear political signals” when she called Tea Party Convention attendees racists with white hoods. She didn’t refrain from finding those signals when ascribing to Holocaust Memorial Museum shooter James Von Brunn an “anti-government” agenda and a set of “extreme right-wing political views, exactly what the (Homeland Security) report was warning about.” Most importantly, she didn’t refrain from finding those signals when designating George Tiller’s death as part of an organized “anti-abortion terrorist movement” with ties to right-wing groups — and questioning whether Bill O’Reilly is actually sorry that Tiller is dead!

So this is the big one folks . . . she just . . . stabbed Olbermann’s eye out with her thumb in plain view of the ref, and kicked Johnny C in the groin area! He’ll be feeling that for weeks!

She’s finally managed to avoid going down hard and it is ALL OVER! Your winner at three minutes thirty seconds into the very last round, due to disqualification:

Janet Napolitano!

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