A Real “Stimulus Package”

  

166456 comments so far (is that a lot?)http://www.parcbench.com/2010/03/11/a-real-stimulus-package/A+Real+%22Stimulus+Package%222010-03-11+12%3A15%3A50Geoff+Burch

Written by Geoff BurchcloseAuthor: Geoff Burch Name: Geoff Burch
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About: Geoff enjoys talking to strangers, spoiling his appetite, listening to loud music, dating girls, and doing everything else his mother once warned against. He has written short stories, poems, and a screenplay. He loves sports: athletic and political. Geoff lives by his own philosophy: When life gives you two choices, take the one that will make a better story.See Authors Posts (19) on March 11, 2010

Over the past year, the Obamacrats have pumped up the spending in a “hope” to “change” the sad state of the economy.  They pumped trillions of dollars into the system through stimulus packages.  Now, they’ve targeted health care reform.  Part of that new health care reform may be a truly virile “stimulus package.”

My frustration with the rampant government spending hit the tipping point last night.  I’ll preface my point by saying that one can learn a lot about the state of a nation by watching its infomercials at 3 A.M.

An older man and woman appear on the screen.  They’re both past their prime, struggling to rekindle their energy.  Just like some American auto companies and banks.

They’re smiling and flirting as the woman nestles her wrinkly face into the man’s wrinkly neck, whispering sweet-nothings into his Miracle Ear.  Just like when auto companies and banks sweet-talk the government and rub each other’s backs.

A few more seconds pass, and the truth is revealed.  It’s an infomercial for a product that will improve a man’s “sexual performance” with a “vacuum therapy system.”

It’s a penis pump.

You can be scarred for life here:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJrPaeOjp1Y

It’s supposed to increase the size, stamina, and performance of the man.  Just like how the bailouts and stimulus packages were supposed to increase the size, stamina, and performance of the economy.  Yet, where are the jobs?

It’s supposed to cure impotency.  Yet, where’s the improvement?

It’s supposed to be “complete” and “last a lifetime.”  Yet, where’s the stability?

People who used the pump give testimonials, swearing that it actually does work.  Even the President of the company gives a sales pitch to vouch for its quality.

Sound familiar?

Yet, it’s an infomercial.  We all know one thing about informercials:  they lie.

Cue Representative Joe Wilson.

The pump probably doesn’t work.  In fact, it probably weakens men, requiring them to become dependent on the pump to get any kind of future performance.

And so it goes with cushy government bailouts, exorbitant taxing, and reckless spending to artificially pump up the economy only for it to fall limp again.  The only thing Obama’s stimulus packages have produced is [un]natural male government enlargement.  In terms of Obama hitting his economical targets, he has only shot blanks.

But, wait!  There’s more!

The pump is covered by Medicare.  Is there no end to government waste?  Is this part of the Obamacrats’ “comprehensive health care reform?”  Is this part of “No Penis Left Behind?”

Not only is our hard-earned money going to bankrupt companies, deadbeat homeowners, and illegal immigrants, but now it’s also going to impotent men.  Actually, our tax money is already going to one impotent man, who would probably claim his “pumps” have saved or created (how can it be both?) thousands of jobs.

Yet, there is one striking difference between the pump and our government.  The pump has a 100% customer satisfaction money-back guarantee.  It also warns that “results may vary.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if the government did the same?

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