Academy Apologizes for Leaving Ed Begley, Jr. Out of Tribute

Satire (irreverent satire, at that) from The Endive

Critics and fans alike expressed outrage over the blatant omission of Ed Begley, Jr., from the Academy Awards tribute to actors who died in the past year.

Begley’s family said they were beyond tears.

“How could they include Michael Jackson and not my little Ed?!” said Mrs. Begley, “He was in so many more high quality movies, like, um, that one with the guy who did stuff.”

Academy Awards officials defended their decision, based on the fact that Ed Begley, Jr., is actually alive.

“We felt it necessary to omit Mr. Begley, Jr., in favor of feature more stars who are physically dead,” said Bruce Davis, who was in charge of the Academy’s memorial segment, “Ed may be dead inside and doomed to a lifelong career in crappy census commercials, but he still has a pulse. That’s more than Don Knotts can say these days. Boy do I miss Don Knotts.”

Maybe of Begley Jr.’s peers refused to believe reports that he was still alive, due in part to Begley Jr.’s complete immersion in the “green lifestyle.” Begley, Jr. refuses to buy anything made out of plastic, leaving a cup and string as his only form of telecommunication.

“Look, all I know is that I haven’t gotten a call from Ed Begley, Jr. in twelve years,” said Martin Mull, “If he’s not dead, than he’s in some kind of state similar to death – like being on Hollywood Squares.”

Davis conceded that he had considered Begley, Jr., but he felt Begley, Jr.’s remarkable television work on St. Elsewhere would be better honored at the TV Academy’s Emmys. According to Davis, “Begley, Jr.’s movie career peaked after his role in This is Spinal Tap.”

Critic Roger Ebert agreed.

“Ed put his heart and soul into that performance as John ‘Stumpy’ Pepys,” said an unsettling, disturbing, freakish voice simulation of Roger Ebert, “After that, he must have died in some kind of freakish accident with a food dehydrator, because I didn’t notice a f**king thing from him after that. I also like to wear women’s clothing.”

The Academy ultimately apologized for the omission, but defended the inclusion of Michael Jackson.

“Ed Begley Jr. was in Santa With Muscles,” said Davis, “That makes Michael Jackson’s performance in Captain EO look like Laurence f**king Olivier in comparison.”

Begley was unavailable for comment because he was busy humping the planet.

Read more at The Endive

Sid Bridge

Editor-in-chief of The Endive.

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About Sid Bridge

Editor-in-chief of The Endive.
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  • Greg Victor

    Is it OK to admit that I love this?

    • Sid Bridge

      If I'm lucky, he'll take out a restraining order against me.

    • Ryan Anthony

      Me too. :)

      Great job, Sid.

  • Geoff_Burch

    That was wicked funny. The Academy Awards should have a tribute to actors whose careers are dead. Who shall we put in that tribute?