Papa, Can You Hear Me?

Following Ricky Martin’s shocking announcement that he is gay, Barbra Streisand has decided to come clean and has announced that she is Jewish.

“All my life, I tried to be what everyone wanted,” Streisand said in a prepared statement. “A wife, a mother, a $700-a-seat diva. And I really thought I had everyone fooled. I thought by doing obviously Jewish things such as playing Fanny Brice and marrying Elliott Gould and having Jimmy Durante’s schnoz, I would appear so Jewish that, of course, I could not really be Jewish. Dating Ryan O’Neal, the ultimate gentile until I met Jim Brolin, kinda sealed the deal. But it was all a lie. No matter how much mayo and white bread I ate, deep down I was always a bagel on a plate of onion rolls.”

Streisand, known for directing the acclaimed Jewish themed musical drama “Yentl,” further states that in the early ’70s she attempted to make everyone think she was Irish. “I used to answer my phone by saying top o’ the morning,” she said. “I also did a series of concerts in Dublin called the ‘Oy, It’s So Green’ tour. Then I find out they had a Jewish mayor. I just couldn’t get a break.”

A known liberal Democrat, Streisand even went so far as to vote Republican twice in the 1970s. “It felt kinda kinky,” Streisand said. “Kinda like when I made Nick Nolte put on a maid’s outfit in ‘The Prince of Tides,’ knowing full well I had no intention of using it in the finished film.”

Streisand said she purposely timed her “coming out” with Passover, the Jewish holiday commemorating the biblical event of the Hebrews escaping enslavement in Egypt. “Makes sense,” Streisand said. “I’ve been passed over for an Oscar nomination for Best Director three times. Sure, they let me present the award when a chick finally wins. That’s like Jesse Jackson introducing Obama at the NAACP Awards. But I’m not bitter, not like those herbs we eat at Pesach.”

Now that she is a full-fledged Jew, Streisand said she will make her husband James Brolin convert, which in Hollywood terms means he will now be represented by her agent. Streisand says she will work to build bridges between Jews and gentiles through her charitable work and performing. “I want someday to be able to play a big arena like Madison Square Garden and know that people paid good money to see me – really, really good money – and did not care that I am one of the chosen people. They came to see me.” Wiping tears from her eyes, Streisand concluded, “What time is it? I’m dying for a bagel and lox.”

Brian Scott Mednick