Reege, say it ain’t so!
I stopped watching “Live with Regis & Kelly” because I cannot take that empty-headed twit Kelly Ripa, but Regis Philbin is one of the all-time great broadcasting giants. His announcement yesterday that he is retiring is sad news for those of us who have grown up with Reege. Like Johnny Carson, I guess we knew this day would come, but still. He lives across the street from the studio – is the commute to work that bad? Why not wait a little longer? He turns 80 in August. After that, he’s leaving arguably one of the best jobs in television, one that he has had for nearly 30 years if you consider the show was local prior to 1988.
Back to Kelly, I truly believe she is the dumbest woman in show business. I know this personally. Twenty years ago I produced a radio program called “Soap Opera Radio” where we interviewed the stars of daytime TV. Kelly, then in her early twenties and a regular on “All My Children,” was our guest at least three times, having sat down for dinner with us each time before the show. She was very nice…but so vacuous, we could not help but make jokes about her before and after each appearance. She was the stereotypical dumb blonde – pretty, clueless, and laughable. Never would I have thought she would go on to be one of the biggest stars we would interview.
I have enormous respect for Regis and had always enjoyed his daytime show when Kathie Lee Gifford was his co-host. Initially, I thought Kelly was an awkward pick to be Regis’ permanent co-host, but after about a year or so, it seemed clear they made good foils for each other. And audiences have agreed. But the girl is still dimmer than a small appliance bulb.
I reluctantly went to a taping of “Live with Regis & Kelly” in 2009, only because my friend Arlene wanted to see the show in person. I used to enjoy going to live tapings of TV shows when I was a teen-ager, but the novelty quickly wears off once you become a jaded adult with a degree in film and television who realizes what the industry is all about (i.e. the only way to get a job on any of these shows is to have a brother-in-law who plays tennis with Lorne Michaels).
After Regis and Kelly come out and do their opening, they are very nice and talk to the audience and pose for photos before coming back from commercial. In person, Regis is just like he is on TV, constantly feigning anger but with a smile and a twinkle in his eye. And yes, even up close, he looks like a guy in his mid-60s, nowhere close to 80.
I asked Kelly if she remembered “Soap Opera Radio.” Can you say deer in the headlights? I reminded her about the program, about the dinners, about where we taped it, about her friend from another soap who joined her on the show. She was still blank but finally said, “Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.” In all fairness, it was twenty years ago, but still. Also, while I am bashing the girl, she is way too skinny. Her legs are so bony, you feel compelled to buy the girl a Big Mac.
Keep in mind, I am not saying Kelly Ripa is not nice. On the day I was at the taping, she gave a young female student in the audience who had just moved to New York lots of advice about finding an apartment. Just like twenty years ago, Kelly is nice but dumb. Reminds me of a great line Joan Rivers once had about wisdom coming with age. To paraphrase Rivers’ quote, “If you’re a dope when you’re twenty, you’re going to be a dope when you’re seventy.” Like everything Joan Rivers says, it’s so true.
Last year I saw Kelly on David Letterman. I knew she was dense but on this particular appearance she proved she is also total white trash. There is nothing more repulsive to me than tattoos on a woman. Kelly proudly sported her new tattoo on her wrist that says “Consuelos,” her husband’s last name. Letterman uncomfortably tried to be agreeable as he noted the name was hard to read and looked more like “cucumber” than “Consuelos.” What a shining example she is setting for her young children. And while I am ripping Ms. Ripa, let me say that the personal stories she tells about her kids – particularly on that Letterman show – must embarrass the hell out of them and bring them lots of grief at school. Talk about a total lack of class.
It’s a good thing Kelly Ripa is as attractive as she is, because an ugly girl from Jersey with so little intelligence and a tattoo on her wrist would otherwise be working as a cashier at Wal-Mart. Come to think of it, working that cash register would probably be too challenging for Miss Kelly. Lucky thing she found Regis.
So now the talk will be about what becomes of “Live.” Anderson Cooper was the most frequent fill-in when Regis was off, but it’s uncertain if he will want to juggle both a frothy early morning gig and a serious evening one. Jeff Gordon, Neil Patrick Harris, and Ripa’s husband Mark Consuelos also have done commendable jobs sitting in for Regis. Right now, the safe money is probably on Consuelos. But in the end it won’t matter. Like Carson, Regis is irreplaceable. There’s a reason he holds the Guinness World Record for most hours on television. I know am not alone in wishing him a long, happy, and healthy retirement.
