“Ask Fingers” is a new advice column for Parcbench readers. Fingers Malloy has no experience as a relationship, financial or career counselor. In fact, we aren’t entirely sure that he has ever been married, owned stock or even gainfully employed. Fingers claims to have been a bartender in the 1990′s, which is good enough for us.
Dear Fingers: How can I get girls to like me?– John in New York
John, that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How in the hell do I know what you look like? For all I know, you have photos on Facebook of yourself in a Members Only jacket.
But you asked, so I will try to not let you down. Clean yourself up. Get a sporty new haircut. Go to Walmart and buy yourself some nice smelling aftershave (women really like Brut or Jovan).
Then go find a girl. As we all know, the best place to find a long lasting romance is in a strip club. After a few couch dances, turn on your charm and ask that special lady out on a date. Act desperate. Women love desperate, needy men.
Once you score that first date with Sinnamon, pester her for a second. Don’t let up –and don’t take no for an answer. Let this video be your inspiration. Good luck John.
Dear Fingers: Do you think I should move back to Wisconsin and run against a flee-bag Democrat State Senator?–Sean in DC
Sean, that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know if you are qualified for such a respected position? I think some self examination is necessary on your part to figure out if you have what it takes to be a Wisconsin State Senator. Here is a quick checklist:
- Have you ever paid for sex?
- Do you drink every night to the point of unconsciousness?
- Have you ever paid for sex while drinking to the point of unconsciousness?
- Can you be bought off?
- When times get tough, do you run?
If you answer yes to all of these questions, you are well on your way to a fulfilling career in public service. Godspeed Sean.
Dear Fingers: What is Martinizing, and why does it only take an hour?–Beregond in North Carolina
Nobody knows sir…nobody knows.
Submit your question for “Ask Fingers” by email (Fingers@parcbench.com).
