Conan the Barbarian
**1/2 (out of four stars)
Starring Jason Momoa, Rachel Nichols, Stephen Lang, Rose McGowan, and Ron Perlman
Directed by Marcus Nispel
The Movie
There was a refrain among film fans when it was announced that Conan the Barbarian was getting a reboot that no one could replace Arnold Schwarzenegger in titular role. It’s a tired line of thinking that happens any time a role a certain actor made famous is getting recast (remember when no one could replace Jack Nicholson as The Joker?). In regards to Conan, people forget (possibly because they’ve never bothered to read the source material) that Arnold’s version of Conan barely resembled the character created by Robert E. Howard, the mad, young, suicidal pulp writer from Cross Plains, Texas who conceived the character.
Conan is a proactive, intelligent and individualistic character on the pulp page, described as dark, sleek and panther-like by Howard. Arnold’s Conan was a European mass of muscle (albeit a charismatic one), wasn’t a terribly proactive protagonist, and spends the early portion of the film as a slave, pointlessly grinding away at “The Wheel of Pain” until he turns into Mr. Universe. Howard’s Conan would’ve ripped the spinal column from the base of back’s of one of the slave-drivers and used it and the detached skull as an impromptu morning-star to bludgeon his captors into a thick crimson paste before even considering doing any of their bidding. While Marcus Nispel’s new take starring Jason Momoa in Arnold’s shoes isn’t necessarily the film fans of Howard’s prose will hold up an accurate adaptation (like Milius’s film, it mostly ignores Howard’s stories and uses the character in a new yarn), it certainly is more in keeping with the source material when it comes to the attitudes and actions of Conan as character.
This reboot gets off on shaky foot by frequently referencing the film made John Milius early on, and laughably using Morgan Freeman as a narrator. Hiring Freeman to narrate a movie is already an obvious, uninspired choice, but here his Mississippi tone couldn’t feel more out of place giving us a lesson on the Hyborean age that Conan inhabits. The film’s set-up with Conan losing his father (Ron Perlman) to a wicked warlord named Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang), is also too in-keeping with Milius’s version of Conan, though I guess one should be grateful that they didn’t name the bad guy Thulsa Doom (who was actually a character from Howard’s stories about Kull the Conqueror, who was prototype for Conan). Thankfully These bad decisions are quickly forgotten when the movie gets rolling, and what unfolds is a rollicking, splattery B-movie pleasure.
Conan the Barbarian doesn’t suffer from the burden of overplotting that many filmmakers easily mistake for grandiose myth-building. It comes dangerously close during its prologue, but once Conan is all grow’d up and liberating well-endowed female slaves with his broadsword, we get a refreshingly straightforward ride for the movie’s remainder. Momoa’s Conan, unlike Arnold’s, is a doer, actively pursuing his goals and slaying anyone silly enough to get in his way with the panther-like cunning that Howard describes. Certainly Momoa isn’t the icon that Arnold is, which is why people unfamiliar with Howard’s prose will no doubt miss him, yet his take is likely to be more pleasing to Howard’s readers.
It would have been more pleasurable to see one of Howard’s classic Conan tales get the big screen treatment (Red Nails comes to mind), as opposed to simply a more Howard-faithful take on the character in a tale that resembles the film Milius made with Arnold. Despite it’s narrative shortcomings, Nispel’s take plays surprisingly well, given how unwatchable his Indians versus Vikings flick Pathfinder was. It’s certainly not as good of a film as the one made my Milius and Arnold, but it’s unquestionably a better depiction of Howard’s character. It’s a shame that Conan the Barbarian went belly-up at the box office right out of the gate, because a success may have warranted a follow-up that interprets of one of Howard’s yarns. We’ll probably have to wait another long stretch before Hollywood makes another go of it, and of course, the odds that they’ll get it right are against us.
The Supplements
The extras on the disc, which are only included on the release that includes the 3D Blu-ray, include info on the production, fluffy-yet-informative pieces on Robert E. Howard and the history of the Conan character, as well as two commentaries, one with Marcus Nispel, the other with Jason Momoa and co-star Rose McGowan, who plays the film’s villainess. If you’re already well-versed in all-things Robert E. Howard, you probably aren’t going to learn anything new, but if Howard’s writing is new to you, it’ll probably compel you to go read some of his work.
Available on 3D Blu-ray, Blu-ray, DVD, and Amazon Instant
Pingback: Blu-ray Review / “Conan the Barbarian” « Hunter's Movie Man Cave
Pingback: Blu ray Review / “Conan the Barbarian” « Hunter's Movie Man Cave