I wanted to get to the bottom of some of his hateful, anti-Semitic rhetoric. So I set up a fake interview with Mr. Stone. His schedule was wide open for The Snark Factor, mostly because the interview never took place. But if it did, I imagine it would go something like this.

Fingers Malloy- Mr. Stone, thank you for joining me.

Oliver Stone- No problem, unless you are a filthy Jew. If that’s the case you need to go dominate the media somewhere else.

FM- Wow, again with the Jews Mr. Stone? You really believe they run the…

OS- (Interrupts) I want to clear the air on my comments about the Jews running the media. Of course I was exaggerating. Not all Jews run the media. Just one. His name is Sal Schwartz. He drinks a lot of coffee and has a cocaine problem, but he monitors all the media. He looks to screw anyone who says anything bad about Israel. He never sleeps. I want him dead.

FM- You aren’t serious?

OS- One time he ventured outside his Jew bunker. I hit him with my car. He went back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. But then he got up, like some sort of Hebrew cyborg. It was the damnedest thing. If you read this Sal, your kosher ass is mine. Feel me?

FM- Yeah, um let’s switch gears and talk about your remarks on Hitler.

OS- I know what you are doing here and I am going to put a stop to it. Yes Hitler was a bad guy, but in the grand scheme of things much worse has come out of Germany than Hitler. Have you heard German electronic techno music? Hitler is so 1938, but that music is killing people right now. And let’s not even discuss Kathy Griffin.

FM- Kathy Griffin?

OS- Yes Kathy Griffin, she’s worse than Hitler. At least Hitler forced those people into the ovens. Kathy Griffin makes me want to stick my head in an oven. And to think, she had to pay Levi Johnston to hang out with HER. What does that tell you about her and the Germans? And I will not even mention Hasselhoff.

FM- You are quite mad sir.

OS- I like orange marmalade.

This is probably the most difficult column I have ever had to write. As many of you know, there has been a possible sex scandal brewing in South Carolina. Blogger Will Folks claims that he had an “inappropriate physical relationship” with Republican Gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley.

From The Telegraph.co.uk:

Republican hopeful Nikki Haley, who became front-runner to be South Carolina governor after she was backed by Sarah Palin, has been accused of having an affair with a conservative blogger.

The mother-of-two, 38, whose husband is a United States Army reserves officer, has been hit by allegations she had a “physical” relationship with commentator Will Folks.

The controversy erupted when Mr Folks posted a statement on his website claiming that “several years ago, prior to my marriage, I had an inappropriate physical relationship with Nikki. That’s it”.

Mr Folks offered no proof and later posted links to 26 articles covering his claim, stating that he had “uncharacteristically shut his pie hole in the wake of this morning’s seismic revelations” and would maintain his silence.

Why do I bring all of this up? Because I too had an inappropriate physical relationship with Nikki Haley (I called her my Nikki-Bear).

She ended it, to start whatever she had going on with Will Folks.

I keep asking myself–why did she dump me for him? I will never forget the time she let me paint her while we were on the Titanic. Sure we were just dumb kids, but those memories will last a lifetime. At that moment, she made me feel like I was king of the world.

But after a while I knew we were on the rocks. I told Nikki that I changed the number on the back of my jeans from a size 32 waist to a 31. She freaked out. She told me that I wasn’t sponge worthy.

I tried to win her back. One time I sat outside her window all day holding a giant jam box over my head–and played the same crappy Peter Gabriel song over and over and over again.

Hours later when she finally came outside, all I could say was:

You had me at hello, you had me at hello.

Next thing I know, she’s not answering my phone calls.

I, like Will Folks–have text messages to prove what Nikki-Bear and I once had. Here’s my proof:

—— SMS ——
From: Dick Cheney
To: Fingers Malloy
Sent: May 14, 2010 09:23 AM

There. I think I have made a convincing case. The evidence is clear. I have wild stories and a text message that may or may not be completely made up. Nikki-Bear and I had something special–and she left me for that poser Will Folks.

My accusations, along with Will Folk’s story must be true. We are both bloggers. When have you ever been misled or got bad information from a blog?

Wait, why is this a scandal again?

*Warning, the preceding column may have no basis in fact.

H/T Robert Stacy McCain

Hear the Rep. Mike Pence Q&A

I was able to interview the Governor yesterday. He said of the ban;

Awa la ta fala la tas wahan Maria Shriva dat whana.

Granted, that probably was not what he said.  I just can’t understand a word the man says. The truth is, I may not have even interviewed him. But the point he made was clear; human beings are hazardous to the health of other human beings.

So the new California law would save us all by using California (liberal) logic.  Carbon dioxide is a hazard and we all exhale carbon dioxide, therefore to save the planet and humanity we must destroy humanity. Banning people from places people go to due to secondhand carbon dioxide will save people from people. Understand???

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Fingers Malloy is the host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy heard every Wednesday at 8PM EST on www.rfcradio.com. His website is www.fingersmalloy.com

All the religious leaders in the Global Warming religion were shocked today to learn that the University of East Anglia Climatic Research Unit receives 100 percent of its funding from Halliburton.

Hackers succeeded in retrieving emails from Dick Cheney’s Hotmail account. The most stunning of the emails had Cheney writing;

I don’t give a damn if the earth isn’t warming anymore. Get those damn fools from Anglia to manipulate the data. Nobody from the media will care. I have solar panels and windmills to sell to all the stupid warmers down there on earth. I need  another big screen TV for the Death Star.

Luke I am your father.

Liberals from around the country were stunned by the news. Al Gore said;

I am torn by this news. I am fine with lying about global warming and I don’t think the East Anglia emails should be taken seriously. But if Halliburton is behind all of this, we need to have a full investigation into Halliburton and the Death Star. I’m sure that damn Death Star is probably run on nuclear power.

Hearing the news, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had this to say;

Awa la ta fala la tas wahan Maria Shriva dat whana.

Strong words from Governor Schwarzenegger. I will keep reporting on this story until I need a nap…

Fingers Malloy is the host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy heard every Wednesday at 8PM EST on www.rfcradio.com. His website is www.fingersmalloy.com

I love Suzanne Somers. Let’s face it, we should all look as good as she does when we turn 80 years old. But she is NOT a doctor. I have family members that hate doctors. I worry that they would turn to a book like this if they were diagnosed with cancer as apposed to actually getting medical treatment from a trained professional.

Hey, who would choose chemotherapy over tying a turnip to your belt while singing a Rick Astley song? (Author’s note; that is not a cure suggested in her book. Yes I am mocking alternative medicine, let the crazy hate mail begin.)

Suzanne Somers was first turned on to alternative medicine after co-starring in the TV sitcom Step by Step with Patrick Duffy. Duffy is best known for his role as Bobby Ewing on the hit TV series Dallas. In that series, Bobby died after being run over by a car. However, because of alternative medicine, Bobby was brought back to life in a shower a year later thanks to his use of Pert Plus……. Okay, I made that up.

To sum up; Fingers Malloy believes that if you have cancer, get treatment from a trained professional. Listening to a lady who starred in Thighmaster commercials that resembled soft porn may seem like a great idea to some, but that way of thinking may end up thinning out the human population.

But if some of you insist on weird cures instead of going to a doctor for treatment, let me help you out.

To take away the symptoms of Scurvy, eat plenty of bacon with Pez while watching a Porky’s movie marathon.

If Lockjaw is your problem, rub orange marmalade on your face while…. You know what? Forget it. Go to a doctor!!!!!!!

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Fingers Malloy is the host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy heard every Wednesday at 8PM EST on www.rfcradio.com. His website is www.fingersmalloy.com

Parcbench is a hard hitting, fact finding, truth spilling machine. It is not some kind of gossip rag like Us Weekly or the New York Times. For example, we passed on the New York Times story that reported Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s son Trigg is actually a robot created by Exxon Mobil. (but we’ll make up for it, trust us.)

Today I was given a 25 Random Things About Me authored by the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.* The person who gave me this letter wanted to remain anonymous. From now on, he or she will be referred to as Deep Throat 2, the Wrath of Kahn. I will post it below, and hope that you learn something about our Madam Speaker.

25 Random Things About Me – Nancy Pelosi

1. I am Speaker of the House.
2. I once asked George W. Bush “boxers or briefs?”
3. I count Harry Reids when I can’t sleep at night.
4. I think abortion should be legal up to the 53rd trimester.
5. I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
6. I get 500 million and 500 thousand mixed up.
7. I spend 500 million like it’s 500 thousand.
8. I love Aquanet! (Editor’s note, this was reported earlier in a Fingersmalloy.com exclusive.)
9. My favorite band is Dexy’s Midnight Runners.
10. I’m watching you.
11. Yes you.
12. For years I thought Majority Whip was a dessert topping.
13. Barack Obama is my BFF and he is like, TOTALLY a cutie.
14. I put orange marmalade on everything.
15. I brake for bingo.
16. I once played 7 minutes in heaven with Ted Kennedy.
17. I once vomited after 7 minutes in heaven with Ted Kennedy.
18. OMG! Bill Clinton just walked into my office and offered to show me his stimulus package.
19. I live in San Francisco; there is nothing funny about that.
20. I own a time share in Florida with Rush Limbaugh (shh, don’t tell anyone.)
21. I own a Hummer H3, but to make up for it I hug a tree daily.
22. For six years I had a secret crush on Dick Cheney.
23. I have 1 tattoo. It is a tramp stamp of Tip O’Neill’s face.
24. I call my husband Stedman just to piss him off.
25. I get all of my pop culture news from Parcbench.com

* Warning! May not have been written by Speaker Pelosi. Fingers Malloy gets all of his news sources from the same place MSNBC does, Wikipedia.

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Fingers Malloy is the host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy heard every Monday and Wednesday at 8PM EDT on www.rfcradio.com. His website is www.fingersmalloy.com

The prospect of Limbaugh becoming a minority owner of the St. Louis Rams brought this response from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell;

“I have said many times before that we are all held to a higher standard here,” Goodell said. “I think divisive comments are not what the NFL is all about. I would not want to see those kind of comments from people who are in a responsible position within the NFL. No. Absolutely not.” -USA Today

For those that have a short memory, Commissioner Goodell just reinstated a man (Michael Vick) who plead guilty to “Conspiracy to Travel in Interstate Commerce in Aid of Unlawful Activities and to Sponsor a Dog in an Animal Fighting Venture”.

In the plea agreement, Vick admitted to torturing and killing dogs that did not perform well in fights, as well as betting on dog fighting. This won Vick a trip to federal prison and a 3 WEEK suspension from the NFL. In the mind of Roger Goddell, Michael Vick has a right to make a living after admitting to torturing animals, but Limbaugh deserves a lifetime ban because of his political beliefs.

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay was one of the few owners that would comment on Limbaugh’s bid, he too is not a dittohead.

“Sometimes when there are comments made that are inappropriate, incendiary, insensitive … it’s bigger than football,” Irsay added. “As a nation, we have to watch the words that we say.”

“Sometimes,” he said, “privileges are lost.” -USA Today

According to public records, Irsay has donated much more money over the years to the Democratic Party than to the GOP. As an Indiana resident I have to thank Mr. Irsay. You have made my decision a lot easier on whether I should purchase tickets to see your team in action. Something about a cold day in hell comes to mind.

Make no mistake about it, this has little to do with race and everything to do with politics. Take Limbaugh’s name out of the bid and replace it with Glenn Beck or Ann Coulter and we would hear the same outcry from the media. Vocal conservatives have no right making a living or pursuing their dreams because of their political views. Period.

If two of the main characters in this plot, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, wanted to own part of an NFL franchise would the media reaction be the same as it has been in Limbaugh’s case? Would their questionable statements made in the past on the subject of race be examined? Hardly.

In America, Sharpton, Jackson, Limbaugh, Beck and Coulter should be able to make a living and pursue their dreams regardless of their political beliefs. To the NFL I say this; conservatives are watching how you are treating Limbaugh, while letting Keith Olbermann be associated with you on Sunday Night Football. The hypocracy is stunning…

I will leave you with this.

“My president is black in fact,
he’s half-white
so even in a racist mind, he’s half-right
so if you got a racist mind, you be alright……”

“I don’t want no more Bush (s**t)
no more war, no more Iraq
no more white lies, the president is black!”
- Jay Z Co-Owner, New Jersey Nets NBA

God bless Jay Z and Olbermann for being able to do what they do while being able to share their political beliefs to anyone that will listen. It’s a pity the NFL doesn’t feel like conservatives should be afforded the same courtesy.

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Fingers Malloy is the host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy heard every Monday and Wednesday at 3PM EDT on www.rfcradio.com. His website is www.fingersmalloy.com

In an about face, many of the actors and directors in Hollywood that were upset by Roman Polanski’s arrest have had a change of heart, after hearing new details of his life in exile that have been made public since his arrest.

For those of you that don’t know, Polanski plead guilty to unlawful sex with a minor in 1977(he drugged and raped a 14 year old girl). Roman fled to France before he was sentenced and has been living as a free man ever since. Because he had an outstanding 1978 U.S. arrest warrant, he was arrested this week trying to enter Switzerland.

A petition had been circulating in Hollywood demanding that Polanski be released. Directors Woody Allen and Martin Scorsese were among his strongest supporters, as well as other actors and directors. That mood changed however, after some shocking allegations of Polanski’s potential ties to the CIA and Halliburton.

“We heard he had a CIA interrogation room in the basement of his chateau in France. The CIA would play loud music at potential terrorists, yell at them, take humiliating photos just in an attempt to find out if they were planning more terrorist attacks. I am disgusted with Roman, he is a terrible human being.”*

“I heard Roman owned stock in Halliburton. I mean, I can condone the rape of a child because he is one of us, a true genius. But to support Halliburton? I hope he burns in hell!”*

“Roman has a tramp stamp tattoo of Dick Cheney! Why Roman? To support Dick Cheney is a crime against humanity. They should lock Polanski up and throw away the key.”*

“I hope people continue to throw Roman under the bus. I hear he is set to direct Scary Movie 9 and I want some of that action! I hear Dustin Diamond may co-star and that there is a love scene. Me likey Screech.” *

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Fingers Malloy is the host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy heard every Tuesday and Friday at 5PM EDT on www.rfcradio.com. His website is www.fingersmalloy.com

Rock the Vote, which has been called a communist organization by such influential members of the media as Fingers Malloy, has enlisted celebrities such as Perez Hilton and Zach Braff to make propaganda videos in favor of government run health care.

Hi, I’m Charlie Sheen. You may remember me from such movie classics as Men at Work and Paulie Shore is Dead. I am here to talk to you today about national health care. 1 in 8 do not have health insurance. That means if you overdose on cocaine and have to go to the ER, you will be treated. But is it fair that you will have to pay for that treatment? And if you do have insurance, does it include free mirrors and razor blades? Free health care now!

 

Hi, I am Tara Reid. You may remember me from Taradise and How I vomited in your Shrubs. Let me tell you the story of Sinnamon Martin. Yes that’s Sinnamon with an S. Sinnamon is a dancer at a club called Gots no Dignity in Boise, Idaho. Sinnamon wants breast implants, but the evil insurance companies say that she has to pay for them herself. Not everyone has the money like me to get a bad boob job and advance their careers. We need money, your money to pay for Sinnamon’s career enhancers. Won’t you help this poor white farm girl achieve her dreams? Obamacare now, you racist!

 

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