The new dude in Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s life, 24-year old Iraq veteran Jeff Miranda, was so sure she was going to sing wedding tunes after two weeks of their being together that he proposed to her on (seen here) the September cover of Steppin’ Out magazine.

But, as HollyScoop.com reported Tuesday, the only tune he’s hearing is . . . wah wah wahh wahh:

Unfortunately for Jeff, her answer is no! Her publicist (yes, she has one) has shot down the marriage rumors. “Rumors of Nicole’s romantic status have been greatly exaggerated. She is single with no immediate plans to change that,” the publicist said in a statement.

Snooks also took to her Twitter, writing, “Just want to set the record straight. I’m single and I’m not going to get married!”

Props on the ballsy move, but it didn’t work out. Sorry, brah, give Snooks a (long) while to be sure you won’t use her and leave her.

And again Lindsay Lohan is in the news: rehab’s frequent flyer sat down for a pre-jail interview with noted chick magazine Vanity Fair to chat about her career of mistakes. For someone who claims she’s not making excuses about her own irresponsibility, she sure made a lot of them – from blaming her dad for that piss poor upbringing she received to National Enquirer for her choice of role models.

She even pulled the “People do 10X more of these things in college” card. Heavy drinking and cocaine use aren’t prerequisites for higher education – but Lindsay seems to think they are!

Full story, if you want it.

h/t x17online, August 30th:

The whole cast of Jersey Shore, in some as-yet unfolding drama, is being sued for assault by a New Jersey woman: known only as “J.P.,” she blamed a verbal Snooki dust-up for her scarred chin – incurred when four bodyguards tackled her to the ground. To drive things eleven levels beyond overkill, she’s also (via rep Eugene Lavergne) named MTV and Viacom Productions as co-defendants – claiming them to be complicit in criminal racketeering operations.

What’s more pathetic: the Shore‘s existence, the idea of Pauly D bringing “The Godfather”‘s dead horse scene alive for Jay, the idea that Snooki weighs over 800lbs . . . or the ethics record of Mr. Lavergne?

The Friday night arrest report of one-time Simple Life star Paris Hilton, obtained by TMZ on 8/30, says she could spend one to four years in Vegas lockup on drug possession charges.

Caught on Las Vegas Boulevard for pot DUI, our LiLo wanna-be was taken by the attending cop to the Wynn Hotel; there, she auditioned for World’s Dumbest Criminals, opening the place’s first last cocaine and inhalant pharmacy in full view of law enforcement.

She will appear in court on October 27th: legal “experts,” who bought Paris’ full stock of excuses before cops got there, are already suggesting this case tough to prove.

Via E! Online, August 25th:

Former Beatle Paul McCartney, apparently not realizing that without animal testing he wouldn’t have his little blue pills, recently implored NASA bigshot Charles Bolden to stop the agency’s low-dose radiation tests on spider monkeys – the sort that mankind would encounter sailing to Mars. When it can be safely assumed your dream world involves the usage of humans as guinea pigs . . . you’ve probably already investigated between here and the Red Planet:

I believe NASA has the ingenuity to investigate the health effects of space travel without confining and experimenting on animals . . . It would be terribly disappointing if in our zeal to explore new frontiers and to learn about the fascinating universe where we live we began to regress in our treatment of the animals with whom we share this planet. May I appeal to you to cancel this experiment.

For has-been musicians everywhere . . . don’t let the facts get in the way! GIVE ‘EM HELL, PAUL!

Russia is not our friend

Russia is not our friend

Iran is f*cking crazy (they mass murder homosexuals, kill rape victims and amputate you for misdemeanors)

Russia is not our friend

Per 8/24 TMZ bit:

All those jailhouse sobs and nuthouse pep talks could have done something: Elden Fox – the selfsame judge who went easy on Winona Ryder during her shoplifting case – issued an order Tuesday, somewhere in the afternoon hours, to let coke-snorting icon Lindsay Lohan off the hook after less than a tenth of her original sentence served.

So, she’s out of UCLA but not out of the fire: this embarrassment to rehab facilities across the country is slated for more than a month of outpatient care.

If Cirque Lodge wasn’t able to pull her head out . . . what’s to say she won’t relapse in short order? Can we start a Parcbench betting pool on how long Linds can hack it before going back downhill?

ONE WEEK FOR $1,000 ALEX!

Taylor Lautner has officially confirmed for the rest of the world that he is spoiled as Hell: when Jacob’s pimped ride isn’t delivered on time, apparently the Twilight of the world cometh.

Only a $300K lawsuit in which Taylor is suing for breach of contract and fraud damages against McMahon’s RV, the company that was supposed to have the wheels ready in time for filming on his new movie “Abduction,” can stop the Beast from instituting his dark thousand-year reign on Earth . . .

but wouldn’t a class in patience be a lot cheaper?

As of the 23rd, TMZ says it’s official: the marriage between golf hotshot Tiger Woods and Swedish poster girl Elin Nordegren has flatlined. Together Monday (at Florida’s Bay County Circuit Court) for quite possibly the last time, the duo crossed their t’s and dotted their i’s on a divorce agreement which – in early July – was rumored to throw $100M in Ms. Nordegren’s bank account.

It’s too bad things had to happen this way, but hopefully they will each find the best in the future.

Marlon Wayans couldn’t use his head when it came to keeping himself safe online: the former “In Living Color” star lost control of one of his social networking accounts, last Friday, to an unidentified cracker in the market for personal information. Los Angeles police have opened up an investigation into the matter, hoping to give the guilty party a spot on his very own show for the Prison Cable Network, but they don’t believe that Wayans has been hurt by the attack as of yet.

Psst . . . Marlon, buddy . . . never use “password” as a password – what were you thinking?