Tag Archives: fingers malloy

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Ask Fingers

“Ask Fingers” is a new advice column for Parcbench readers. Fingers Malloy has no experience as a relationship, financial or career counselor. In fact, we aren’t entirely sure that he has ever been married, owned stock or even gainfully employed. Fingers claims to have been a bartender in the 1990′s, which is good enough for us.

Dear Fingers: When I grow up I want to be like you, how do I make that happen?–Mark in Indianapolis

Mark that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know your social status? Are you a spaz? Do you get nervous around girls? Are you a nervous spaz around girls?

I want to help you, so I will assume that are a normal college kid. If you want to grow up like me, you will have to study hard in school (if you go to a community college, God help you).

So every day when you get home from school, drink up to 80 ounces of malt liquor. King Cobra was my brand. But don’t be afraid to mix in a little Olde English 800. Then you need to watch one movie over and over again…Porky’s.

Don’t let anyone talk you into watching Porky’s Two or Porky’s Three. The original Porky’s is the best of the Porky’s trilogy. Drinking gallons of malt liquor and viewing Porky’s 20 times a week made me the man that I am today. Good luck Mark.

 

Dear Fingers: As a Right Wing Extremist, what other accessories should I wear with my Jack Boots and BDU Pants besides my Charlie Sheen crack rock Machete?–Mike in Texas

Mike that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know if you can pull off a true right wing extremist look. If you are a Republican, I am assuming that you are white. The media says you are probably a racist–and being that you live in Texas I am guessing that they are right.

Have no fear Mike, we can get through this together. When in doubt, there is one right wing extremist that set the standard for us all. Buy yourself a tan jacket, a black turtleneck and Haggar slacks. Then you will truly look like the original American right wing extremist.

Rick Astley-- Possible Nazi Fascist*

Dear Fingers: Who put the bop in the bop sh’bop sh’bop?–Paul in Texas

She's holding a book

*Rick Astley is not a right wing extremist. He’s also not a Nazi, Fascist or relevant…

Submit your question  for “Ask Fingers” by email  (Fingers@parcbench.com).


 

Fingers Malloy

Host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy on FTR Radio (www.ftrradio.com). Check out my website at www.fingersmalloy.com.

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Ask Fingers

“Ask Fingers” is a new advice column for Parcbench readers. Fingers Malloy has no experience as a relationship, financial or career counselor. In fact, we aren’t entirely sure that he has ever been married, owned stock or even gainfully employed. Fingers claims to have been a bartender in the 1990′s, which is good enough for us.

Dear Fingers: How can I get girls to like me?– John in New York

John, that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How in the hell do I know what you look like? For all I know, you have photos on Facebook of yourself in a Members Only jacket.

But you asked, so I will try to not let you down. Clean yourself up. Get a sporty new haircut. Go to Walmart and buy yourself some nice smelling aftershave (women really like Brut or Jovan).

Then go find a girl. As we all know, the best place to find a long lasting romance is in a strip club. After a few couch dances, turn on your charm and ask that special lady out on a date. Act desperate. Women love desperate, needy men.

Once you score that first date with Sinnamon, pester her for a second. Don’t let up –and don’t take no for an answer. Let this video be your inspiration. Good luck John.

Dear Fingers: Do you think I should move back to Wisconsin and run against a flee-bag Democrat State Senator?–Sean in DC

Sean, that’s not an easy question for me to answer. How the hell do I know if you are qualified for such a respected position? I think some self examination is necessary on your part to figure out if you have what it takes to be a Wisconsin State Senator. Here is a quick checklist:

  • Have you ever paid for sex?
  • Do you drink every night to the point of unconsciousness?
  • Have you ever paid for sex while drinking to the point of unconsciousness?
  • Can you be bought off?
  • When times get tough, do you run?

If you answer yes to all of these questions, you are well on your way to a fulfilling career in public service. Godspeed Sean.

Dear Fingers: What is Martinizing, and why does it only take an hour?–Beregond in North Carolina

Nobody knows sir…nobody knows.

Submit your question  for “Ask Fingers” by email  (Fingers@parcbench.com).

Fingers Malloy

Host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy on FTR Radio (www.ftrradio.com). Check out my website at www.fingersmalloy.com.

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McD’s Introduces “Happier Meal” in San Fran-Includes a Condom and Joint

San Francisco briefly banned Happy Meals last week.

From The Huffington Post:

San Francisco has banned the Happy Meal, on the day of the return of the McRib no less. The San Francisco Board of Supervisors earlier today passed an ordinance requiring meals that included toys with their purchase to meet specific nutritional guidelines. The vote, achieved with a Gavin Newsom veto-proof majority of 8-3, effectively bans the Happy Meal.

Joe Eskenazi at the San Francisco Weekly reports:

It seems the San Francisco Board of Supervisors has accomplished what the Hamburglar never could. They’ve made off with McDonald’s fare.The supes today passed an ordinance that will require meals to meet nutritional guidelines if restaurants wish to include a toy with the food purchase.

More importantly, the supes passed the so-called “Happy Meal Ban” by an 8-3 vote — meaning it can survive a promised veto from Mayor Gavin Newsom. That’s right: San Francisco done banned the Happy Meal. Robble robble.

The AP reports:

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — For some veggies-hating children, Happy Meals won’t be so happy anymore.San Francisco lawmakers approved legislation Tuesday that would limit toy giveaways in children’s meals that have excessive calories, sodium and fat. It also requires servings of fruits or vegetables with each meal.

The city’s Board of Supervisors voted unanimously Tuesday to approve the ordinance, which they hope will force fast-food chains such as McDonald’s to make their children’s meals healthier or stop selling them with toys.The measure drew enough support to overcome an expected veto by Mayor Gavin Newsom.

Supervisors say the law would make San Francisco the first major city to take this action to combat childhood obesity.

McDonald’s has said the law threatens business and restricts parents’ ability to make choices for their children.

The vote seemed to be the last straw for the Happy Meal. But late last night an agreement between McDonald’s and the San Francisco Board of Supervisors was reached.

McDonald’s spokesman, Mayor McCheese had this to say of the compromise:

We know that San Francisco is concerned with children and their health, so we offered to counter our unhealthy but delicious hamburgers with one Trojan condom and a joint in every new ‘Happier Meal.’

Oh, and Sarah Palin is an idiot.

After their deal with McDonald’s was reached, San Francisco Board of Supervisors member Alice Imadeherup said:

Listen, we all hate beef AND corporations. They poison the planet and who wants that?

But McDonald’s is being a responsible corporate citizen. It supports a seven year old’s right to get high and have safe sex. The amount of good that they are doing with the all new ‘Happier Meal” counteracts their raping of Mother Earth.

Oh, and Sarah Palin is an idiot.

Seven year old Timmy Smith got the first “Happier Meal” that included the new prizes which McDonald’s has named the “McJimmie Hat” and the “McSpliff.”

Timmy said:

I’ve never seen a balloon with a tip like this. And that is the worst french fry I have ever had–it was cold.

I just ate it a half an hour ago and I’m hungry again.

San Francisco is now pushing for McDonald’s to fund safe sex and smoking doobies classes for children as young as four years old.

To learn more about the McSpliff, go to your local public library. Ask the information desk about them, and ignore the weird look the librarian gives you.

-

Parcbench cannot independently verify any facts about this story, but outgoing Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger apparently doesn’t care what’s in a Happy Meal.

Fingers Malloy

Host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy on FTR Radio (www.ftrradio.com). Check out my website at www.fingersmalloy.com.

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Meghan McCain’s Dirty, Sexy Politics–A Snark Factor Book Review

Never have I read a finer piece of literature than Dirty, Sexy Politics.

NEVER!

Meghan McCain is a 21st century treasure. She is Shakespeare, Mark Twain and Perez Hilton all rolled into one.

Meghan McCain is to literature what syphilis is to literature.

Meghan McCain is to political punditry what Fingers Malloy is to political punditry.

Finally, Meghan McCain is to Dirty, Sexy Politics what John McCain is to Dirty, Sexy Politics–something that half the time pretends to be something it is not–and in the end is a complete waste of your time and energy.

Let me share with you an excerpt from this tome. In Chapter 3, Meghan talks about her first experience at an In-N-Out Burger:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times at the In-N-Out Burger, it was the age of wisdom at the In-N-Out Burger, it was the age of foolishness at the In-N-Out Burger, it was the epoch of belief at the In-N-Out Burger, it was the epoch of incredulity at the In-N-Out Burger, it was the season of Light at the In-N-Out Burger, it was the season of Darkness at the In-N-Out Burger, it was the spring of hope at the In-N-Out Burger, it was the winter of despair, for the In-N-Out Burger’s shake machine was down.

After tasting In-N-Out’s Double Double burger, We had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. Sarah Palin sucks.

And finally Meghan, I say this–it is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known–after reading Dirty, Sexy Politics.

That was truly the best 20 bucks I have ever spent.

Thank you Meghan McCain.

Thank you for being you.

Thank you for Dirty, Sexy Politics.

H/T Charles Dickens

*Warning! Book reviewer may not have read the book.

Fingers Malloy

Host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy on FTR Radio (www.ftrradio.com). Check out my website at www.fingersmalloy.com.

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My Faux Interview With Oliver Stone

PEOPLE-US-STONEOliver Stone stirred up controversy with comments he made about Adolf Hitler and the Jews. If you want some background on what he said, click on this link to an article in The Daily Mail.

I wanted to get to the bottom of some of his hateful, anti-Semitic rhetoric. So I set up a fake interview with Mr. Stone. His schedule was wide open for The Snark Factor, mostly because the interview never took place. But if it did, I imagine it would go something like this.

Fingers Malloy- Mr. Stone, thank you for joining me.

Oliver Stone- No problem, unless you are a filthy Jew. If that’s the case you need to go dominate the media somewhere else.

FM- Wow, again with the Jews Mr. Stone? You really believe they run the…

OS- (Interrupts) I want to clear the air on my comments about the Jews running the media. Of course I was exaggerating. Not all Jews run the media. Just one. His name is Sal Schwartz. He drinks a lot of coffee and has a cocaine problem, but he monitors all the media. He looks to screw anyone who says anything bad about Israel. He never sleeps. I want him dead.

FM- You aren’t serious?

OS- One time he ventured outside his Jew bunker. I hit him with my car. He went back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. But then he got up, like some sort of Hebrew cyborg. It was the damnedest thing. If you read this Sal, your kosher ass is mine. Feel me?

FM- Yeah, um let’s switch gears and talk about your remarks on Hitler.

OS- I know what you are doing here and I am going to put a stop to it. Yes Hitler was a bad guy, but in the grand scheme of things much worse has come out of Germany than Hitler. Have you heard German electronic techno music? Hitler is so 1938, but that music is killing people right now. And let’s not even discuss Kathy Griffin.

FM- Kathy Griffin?

OS- Yes Kathy Griffin, she’s worse than Hitler. At least Hitler forced those people into the ovens. Kathy Griffin makes me want to stick my head in an oven. And to think, she had to pay Levi Johnston to hang out with HER. What does that tell you about her and the Germans? And I will not even mention Hasselhoff.

FM- You are quite mad sir.

OS- I like orange marmalade.

Fingers Malloy

Host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy on FTR Radio (www.ftrradio.com). Check out my website at www.fingersmalloy.com.

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I Too, Had An Inappropriate Physical Relationship With Nikki Haley

This is probably the most difficult column I have ever had to write. As many of you know, there has been a possible sex scandal brewing in South Carolina. Blogger Will Folks claims that he had an “inappropriate physical relationship” with Republican Gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley.

From The Telegraph.co.uk:

Republican hopeful Nikki Haley, who became front-runner to be South Carolina governor after she was backed by Sarah Palin, has been accused of having an affair with a conservative blogger.

The mother-of-two, 38, whose husband is a United States Army reserves officer, has been hit by allegations she had a “physical” relationship with commentator Will Folks.

The controversy erupted when Mr Folks posted a statement on his website claiming that “several years ago, prior to my marriage, I had an inappropriate physical relationship with Nikki. That’s it”.

Mr Folks offered no proof and later posted links to 26 articles covering his claim, stating that he had “uncharacteristically shut his pie hole in the wake of this morning’s seismic revelations” and would maintain his silence.

Why do I bring all of this up? Because I too had an inappropriate physical relationship with Nikki Haley (I called her my Nikki-Bear).

She ended it, to start whatever she had going on with Will Folks.

I keep asking myself–why did she dump me for him? I will never forget the time she let me paint her while we were on the Titanic. Sure we were just dumb kids, but those memories will last a lifetime. At that moment, she made me feel like I was king of the world.

FingersMalloyBut after a while I knew we were on the rocks. I told Nikki that I changed the number on the back of my jeans from a size 32 waist to a 31. She freaked out. She told me that I wasn’t sponge worthy.

I tried to win her back. One time I sat outside her window all day holding a giant jam box over my head–and played the same crappy Peter Gabriel song over and over and over again.

Hours later when she finally came outside, all I could say was:

You had me at hello, you had me at hello.

Next thing I know, she’s not answering my phone calls.

I, like Will Folks–have text messages to prove what Nikki-Bear and I once had. Here’s my proof:

—— SMS ——
From: Dick Cheney
To: Fingers Malloy
Sent: May 14, 2010 09:23 AM

Keep your mouth shut or the baby seal gets it!

There. I think I have made a convincing case. The evidence is clear. I have wild stories and a text message that may or may not be completely made up. Nikki-Bear and I had something special–and she left me for that poser Will Folks.

My accusations, along with Will Folk’s story must be true. We are both bloggers. When have you ever been misled or got bad information from a blog?

Wait, why is this a scandal again?

*Warning, the preceding column may have no basis in fact.

H/T Robert Stacy McCain

Fingers Malloy

Host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy on FTR Radio (www.ftrradio.com). Check out my website at www.fingersmalloy.com.

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Snarky Six-6 Jobs The Obama Administration Offered Joe Sestak

The New World Order

Rep. Joe Sestak claimed that he was offered a job by the Obama administration to quit a primary challenge to Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter (no relation to Ronnie Spector).

Now that this story has gotten some legs in the main stream media, Sestak and the White House are dodging questions about the alleged job offer. President Obama threw his support in the primary behind Sen. Specter (no relation to Phil Spector).

From Philly.com:

Rep. Joe Sestak, the brand-new Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate from Pennsylvania, and White House press secretary Robert Gibbs each dodged questions Sunday about Sestak’s claim that the Obama administration offered him a job last summer if he would skip a primary challenge to Sen. Arlen Specter.

The issue, with implications of potential illegality by the White House, has rekindled in the five days since Sestak defeated Specter, who fled the Republican Party to seek a sixth term. GOP leaders are pressing Sestak and the administration to provide details of discussions.

During an appearance on NBC’s Meet the Press, Sestak confirmed he was offered a job. But he would not answer host David Gregory’s follow-up questions. “Anything that goes beyond that is for others to talk about,” Sestak said.

I was not satisfied with what I heard on Sunday, so I put my staff to work. We have uncovered 6 jobs that the Obama administration offered Rep. Sestak if he would quit his campaign. Prepare yourself, this is quite shocking.

1) Oil Spill Czar- Who wouldn’t want that job? Apparently you do nothing and get paid for it.

2) King of Detroit- I had no idea President Obama had that kind of power.

3) Secretary of Awesome- Post currently held by Scott Baio.

4) V.P. Joe Biden’s opening act at all of his speeches.

5) Event coordinator for Beer Summit II- The Wrath of Kahn.

6) The guy who wakes everyone up during a Harry Reid speech.

We will keep following this story until I get tired and need a nap.

joe_sestak

Fingers Malloy

Host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy on FTR Radio (www.ftrradio.com). Check out my website at www.fingersmalloy.com.

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Celebrities Pitch for Health Care. This is What They Will Say!

rtv-bl-lgRock the Vote, which has been called a communist organization by such influential members of the media as Fingers Malloy, has enlisted celebrities such as Perez Hilton and Zach Braff to make propaganda videos in favor of government run health care.

Socialized medicine can be a sexy bitch to many 20 something’s, and Rock the Vote knows it. They have a whole list of celebrities waiting to participate in future Obamacare videos produced by Rock the Vote.

 Good news though , I Fingers Malloy have stumbled upon some of the scripts that have been written for certain celebs to help convince you that government is the answer. Here are some snippets from the scripts. I hope you enjoy them, Comrade.
Hi, I’m Charlie Sheen. You may remember me from such movie classics as Men at Work and Paulie Shore is Dead. I am here to talk to you today about national health care. 1 in 8 do not have health insurance. That means if you overdose on cocaine and have to go to the ER, you will be treated. But is it fair that you will have to pay for that treatment? And if you do have insurance, does it include free mirrors and razor blades? Free health care now!
 
Now if that isn’t a convincing argument, check this out.
 
Hi, I am Tara Reid. You may remember me from Taradise and How I vomited in your Shrubs. Let me tell you the story of Sinnamon Martin. Yes that’s Sinnamon with an S. Sinnamon is a dancer at a club called Gots no Dignity in Boise, Idaho. Sinnamon wants breast implants, but the evil insurance companies say that she has to pay for them herself. Not everyone has the money like me to get a bad boob job and advance their careers. We need money, your money to pay for Sinnamon’s career enhancers. Won’t you help this poor white farm girl achieve her dreams? Obamacare now, you racist!
 
Well there you have it; they both make convincing arguments for national health care. Really, the rest is up to you. To socialize medicine or not to socialize medicine, that is the question. I hope this helped.
 


 

Fingers Malloy is the host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy heard every Tuesday and Friday at 5PM EDT on www.rfcradio.com. His website is www.fingersmalloy.com.  


Fingers Malloy

Host of The Snark Factor with Fingers Malloy on FTR Radio (www.ftrradio.com). Check out my website at www.fingersmalloy.com.

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